We all know that terrorism is the greatest of all threats to our lives and our way of life, more than war, overpopulation, corruption, famine, AIDS, plague, global warming, cyclones and earthquakes combined.
However, it’s also true that we are all busy people, and we don’t all have time to fight terror 24 hours a day. Nor can we all join the army and become commandos wearing those nifty black uniforms and those cool flak jackets and helmets and carry those awesome sniper rifles with the scopes. Pity, but there it is.
Also, it’s true that there is only so much that any of us can do alone and unaided against terror. Sure, if we see a bearded character in a lace cap putting down a suitcase in our favourite shopping mall before hurrying away, we can and should call the cops. But, suppose that man isn’t bearded and in a lace cap? What should we do then? He may just have put down his bag while he went to the loo, right? If we call the cops, the mall would have to be evacuated and we’re going to miss out on all those bargains while the bomb squad defuses a suitcase full of dirty laundry and girlie magazines, right? And what about those poor shopkeepers who would miss out on sales and therefore adversely, in these difficult days, affect their income? Surely this is something to think about?
No, we need some other way of countering terror, some way that helps everybody, inconveniences nobody, and is effective to boot. We have therefore applied our minds – and the efforts of our consultants, listed below - to the problem, and come up with the perfect solution; yes, ladies and gentlemen, here is the answer to your prayers:
THE CANDLELIGHT PROTEST
There are so many advantages to this that we had a difficult time picking enough to fit with these space constraints. Here they are, then, the TOP TEN reasons why you should organise those candlelight protests:
1. Candlelight protests are non-violent. They disturb nobody, hurt nobody (except maybe a fool of a moth or two) and inconvenience nobody. They are perfect for those like us who do not like the sight of blood. And since they disturb nobody, no one will take any official note of them. You won’t get persecuted. And since no action will be taken, after the next terror attack you can hold another demonstration. And another.
2. Candlelight protests are a sure-fire (pun unintended) response to terrorism, one that cannot fail to be successful. Consider these points:
i. Terrorists are poor benighted souls and the flame of the candle will bring alive the light of love in their hearts.
ii. If that fails, well, terrorists are creatures of darkness, and candles dispel darkness. Therefore if there is no darkness, there will be no terrorist. Simple.
iii. Terrorists, as we all know, are all bearded. All bearded men may not be terrorists, but all terrorists are bearded men. Candles can be used to set fire to their beards. Once their beards are all burned off, they won’t have beards, and so they won’t be terrorists any more.
3. Candlelight protests emit an enormous amount of light. They only take place at night, of course, and generally occur in areas of the city that are well-lit in normal circumstances. When all those thousands of burning candles are held aloft, the darkness is dispelled and the authorities can switch off the ordinary public lighting for the duration. This reduces energy demand and the stress on the environment. So candlelight protests are eco-friendly.
4. We, the more fortunate of society, owe a debt to those of our brethren who are not so well-off. Naturally, it’s not possible for us to buy food from downmarket street corner stalls and T-shirts from pavement vendors – why, they might not even accept our platinum credit cards! – but we can at least help all those thousands of candle-makers and sellers when we burn candles. And the bigger and more eye-catching the candle we burn, the more we help them.
5. Candlelight protests are so convenient. We do not have to go to Delhi and stage sit-in demonstrations outside Parliament. We do not have to (ick!) go on hunger strikes. No, all we have to do is burn a candle and stand around looking solemn. We can do it between leaving Karen’s Friday-night party and arriving at Kajal’s. It’s time management at its best.
6. Candlelight protests are so cheap. You don’t have to hire banquet halls or auditoria or lay on catering or expensive drinks; all you need to do is buy a few hundred candles. And you can even save on that if you prefer - just ask your people to bring their own. Great, isn’t it, in these economically strained times?
7. Candlelight protests are a great place to network. All our favourite prospective employers and business partners will be there and doing exactly what we shall be doing. Maybe they prefer different restaurants and movies and discos, but they will be there at the candlelight protests – for exactly the same reason as you will be there.
8. Candlelight protests are so much the in thing. You can show how many people are on your personal list – invite them all to your protest, and see how your candles outshine those of the silly stuck-up bitch across the city who’s always trying to do you down.
9. Candlelight makes everyone look younger and more attractive. Candlelight is romantic, and the dim light smoothes away wrinkles and fills in bags under the eyes. And because everyone young and happening is going to be there, and look even younger and more happening, it’s a great place to find romance – or even a modelling or acting audition.
10. Candlelight protests are a sure-fire way to gain publicity and lots of TV time, what with the channels frantically competing for TRPs. You can always help things along by hinting to the networks that a big Bollywood star who has a feud with another star (who, let's say, sleeps with a loaded gun under the pillow and jeers at candlelight protests) will be at your protest – in part to score off the pillow star.
Isn’t all that perfect? Just make sure that you hold your candlelight protest soon. Public memory is so short that this time next week hardly anybody will remember whichever attack you wish to protest against. So get a move on and organise one.
What’s that you say, friends? You’re all booked up every evening this week. You don’t have time to organise anything. Don’t worry, friends. That’s what we’re here for. For a nominal fee, we will organise every part of your protest, send SMS invites, call in the media, supply candles of any size and shape you specify in the numbers you specify, and even organise young and good-looking models to boost your numbers if you deem them insufficient.
Don’t hesitate a moment longer. Call us.
Hold a candlelight protest today.
SO Cialite & BIM Bette
Phone Number: +91-22-1234567
Consultants: G Reedy, Nevar E Nuff & CA Pitalist.