Thursday 12 November 2020

How Genghis Won The War Single Handed (And Two Booted)


As you probably know, the war between Azerbaijan and Armenia over the region of Nagorno Karabakh, which seemed set to go on forever, or at least all winter, suddenly came to an explosive end after Azerbaijan abruptly and apparently inexplicably captured the fortified and impregnable clifftop city of Shusha. The capture of this city led to the utter and total collapse of Armenian forces, and Russia (and Iran) stepped in quickly to impose a peace that left a scrap of Nagorno Karabakh still in Armenian control while ceding the rest to Azeri control.

    But how? How could Azerbaijan (and its Ottoman allies and its jihadi headchopper mercenary imports) capture this city so quickly and unexpectedly, leading to the utter rout of Armenia, and its prime minister Nikol Pashinyan going into hiding?

    In this remarkable account from the frontline, an exclusive account that has been specifically written for you, that story will be told.


His name is Genghis Gobi. He is an Uighuristani from East Turkistan, and has been living in Syria for a number of years. Over time, he felt a burning desire to tell his story to the world. And now, as a mercenary who has gone to fight in Nagorno Karabakh, he feels it absolutely essential that his tale be told.

    Let him tell you who he is:

 Freinds and infidels!

    It grate pleasuring to announcement that I am able to giving you informationing from the spot on fighting in Armenazerbaijanistan.

    Allowing me to introduct myself. Who this Genghis Gobi?

    I am certificated instructor level Uighur headchopper from East Turkistan which as you might be known occupated by evil lefteous Chinese regime. So I look four freedom along with four wifes Hala, Bana, Lina and Fatma, because evil lefteous Chinese regime say I can having only one wife. How one can live with only one wife, I asking you? Also evil lefteous Chinese regime oppressioning my berthright to chop head in piece and quiet. This wrongeous and unacceptably!

    So I looking four freedom, and just then getting vision (by mobile phone video, that true) from blessed Shaykh Muhaysini telling me to coming to Jisr al Shughour in Idlibistan, which you might be gnawing is freedom territory where poor innocent jihadis can chopper head and murdering happily. So four wifes and I comed to Idlibistan, thinking troubles over. Happy ever after, righteous?

    Wrongeous! First thing happen in Idlibistan is three billion children there being sarinbarrelgasbombed by evil lefteous Nusayri regime of pointy nose dictator Assad and evil half naked Russia dictator Putin regime. To saveing three billion children and also become famous movie star I join White Hellmate organisation, but pointy nose dictator Assad regime stooge stealed my white helmet befour I can making false flag video and becomed famous. After that four wifes want me to buying car from Honest Jamal VBIED dealership, but problem is that it cost too much goat, and I only getting one and half goat a day. Supposed to get FOUR goat from dear friend Abu Salman al Bonesawi in Saudi Barbaria but two and half goat stealed by Abu Erdogan al Turki. How one live on one and half goat a day, you telling me? Even with position as top trainer and also bottom trainer at Idlibistan headchopper training institute I haveing to get second job as head twitterer at Uighuristan Cultural Centre and still not making front end and rear end of goat meet. When I try goat butt me into middle of next week.

    And then my four mother in law also comed to Idlibistan so I have to hide in hole below house. That is how bad situation is in Idlibistan. Bigly!

    Then I gottinged call from blessed Shaykh Muhaysini tellinging me that grate opportunity to escaping Idlibistan - not to mentionable four mother in laws - by going to fighting in Armenazerbaijanistan. And so I here and you getting my report straight from goat's mouth!

    Takebeer! Muhaysinihu Akbar. Thank.


    Please do not marvel at Genghis’ terrific command of English. As he informs us,


I taughted English by Abu Alhamdo al LastTweetFromAleppoi in Idlibistan English Academic! He speaker best English in World as you gnawing if you read his last last last last last last last last last last last last last last last last last last last last last last last last last last tweets from Aleppo.


    Some of you may remember Abdulkafi Alhamdo, who was about to be massacred by the Assad regime in Aleppo, and kept tweeting last farewells, until he wasn’t massacred and stopped tweeting last farewells. If you don’t remember him, no matter.

    Soon enough, Genghis and his platoon, under one Great Khan, found themselves at the bottom of the cliffs below Shusha, ordered to scale the cliff and capture the city. But they had other problems of their own as well. Here is a cry of protest from him to his platoon leader, given out to the world:

Grate Khan my freind and truely comrade! This righteous!

    Grate Khan, why you not giving me fair share of ten goat you get pay from Abu Erdogan four entire platoon? Only five men left in platoon, also five right, top and bottom, so each get half goat, righteous? Why you wrongeously keep two goat four yourself? This unacceptably!


    Despite all this, Genghis did not neglect to prepare for his assault on the mountaintop Armenian stronghold. And his strategic planning was totally out of the box!

    As you may have heard, the recent Armenia-Azerbaijan war was also the first drone war, with Azerbaijan making intensive (and effective) use of drones as its weapon of first resort. Well, Genghis and his friends thought of another role for these aircraft:

Freinds and infidels!

    I am going to telling you now of top and also bottom secret plan by which we planning to capture city Shushabad!

    Why I telling you this? Is because by time you read this planning will already be operation! Yes we doing surgerycal strike on Shushabad!

    Now I gnaw what you thinking. You thinking, but, Genghis, you at bottom of cliff and town on top, how you planning to get up to make surgerycal strike, fly?

    Yes! You understanding righteous! We fly!

    Plan told by Sultan Erdogan al Turki, who call us personification over app Zoom. Of coarse he wear mask but we gnawing who he is because of Ottoman turban and robe he wearing, and because he keep stick pins in effigy of Abu Gülen al Amriki while ranting!

    Anyweigh, here plan: you gnaw how drone aeroplane Bayraktar TB 2 being given by Sultan Erdogan to Abu Aliyev al Azeri, righteous? And how drone aeroplane Bayraktar TB 2 very successfully to bombing Armenistani? Now it have new roll four it!

    Yes. Now each drone carry under each wing one jihadi who holding gun in hand and headchopper knife between teeth, and fly up to Shushabad. Once above town small rocket fix to jihadi belt fired, projectioning jihadis on to Armenistani position! As soon as landed, jihadis can starting shooting and headchoppering anybody they find!

    It brilliantly idea, righteous? With blessing of Shaykh Muhaysini, secure by app WhatsApp, it not possible to failure.

    Soon I be back from mission and then I telling you how success it wented.

Takebeer! Muhaysinihu Akbar! Thank.


    Indeed, it was a brilliant plan, and would have written a new chapter in military history, except for a tragic incident that nobody could have foreseen. Let Genghis tell you in his own words:


Freinds and infidels!

    This report of attempt to capture city Shushabad by surgerycal striking by drone aeroplane Bayraktar TB 2, which I telled you befour!

    We all very excitation at drone plan, and drawing lots to go on first drone. My dear freinds Abu Recep al Idlibistani and Abu Tayyip al Qaedi get honour of climbing first drone, and they're eyes full of tears that must have bean of joy! Our Idlibistani jihadi so bravely that even if they lose draw of lots, like these two, they as happy as though they winned!

    So Abu Recep and Abu Tayyip fixation rockets on belts, rockets fitted to wings of aeroplane drone, and then with guns in hands and headchopping knifes between teeth they take off! All of us watching as drone lift highly and higherly into sky.

    But then disastrous! Somehow undoubted sabotage agent in pay of evil bearded Abu Pashinyan al Armeni sneakering on to drone base and sabotage drone wings, make wings weak. Suddenly both drone wings brake off under weight of Abu Recep and Abu Tayyip! They fall all way down to martyrdom, but so bravely we hear them cheering all way. At least we think it cheering.

    Also even grater disastrous is that drone crash, and Armenistan get chance to claiming it shot it down, as big propaganda claim as big as capture of Azerbaijanistani capitalist Baku. So all air surgery strike plan stoppage until new drone with stronger wing brought.

    Or I have nice ideal! We ask Sultan Erdogan al Turki to giveing us ballisticated missiles, but with warhead removed. Jihadi with drone and headchopping knife sitting in warhead spacious and fired with it. When missile fall on Shushabad he come out and begin shooting and headchoppering. It excellently idea, righteous or wrongeous?

    I tell you what replying from Sultan Erdogan.

    Until then we taking rock climbing lesson on broken village wall.

    Takebeer! Muhaysinihu Akbar.


    Utterly tragic, was it not? When I received this message from Genghis I despaired of his safety. Imagine my astonishment, though, when I then read the news update that the Armenians had been routed from Shusha and the Azeris were in occupation of the town! How did this miracle come to pass?

    Let Genghis tell you how:


Freinds and infidels!

    I telling you now how we Uighuristani headchoppers from Idlibistan capture Shushabad!

    It happen this weigh: after failure of drone aeroplane Bayraktar TB 2 surgery strike, which I telled you about elsewhere, I decide to climbing cliff and attack Shushabad single and even double handed! Why, you asking?

    This why: while practice wall climbing I suddenly look over shoulder and see four wifes Hala, Bana, Lina and Fatma coming! You can see them in picture.


    They not happy, four mother in laws demanding they bringing me back to taking care off them! I so frightful I beginned climbing cliff by one hand and two foots to get away from them! And when I reach top, I behind Armenistani position and they see me, think I am vanguard and lorryguard of full forceful of climbing jihadis, and run away.

    That truthful and righteously! Now I have to finding place to hide from wifes. You help me please.

    Takebeer! Muhaysinihu Akbar!


    And so the impregnable fortress was defeated! Truly, behind every successful man is a woman (or four of them with guns).

    Unfortunately this was far from the end of Genghis’ travails:

 Freinds and infidels!

    Terribleacious news! My dear freind and comrade Grate Khan missing! We liberation a horse in Shushabad, and last we seeing him he get on it and gallop down road toward Stepanakertabad waving headchopper knife around and shouting "Mamtu Armenistani Ha ha ha!"

    We all disturbed not only because Grate Khan freind and comrade but because he owe us many goat which salary from Sultan Erdogan al Turki, but which he keeped four himself. At least forty goat! Now who pay us goat? If anything happen to Grate Khan we sue Abu Pashinyan al Armeni!

    Assuming he not runned away that is.

    Please to keeping both eye open four Grate Khan, freinds and infidels. Also nose, mouth and ears.

    Takebeer! Muhaysinihu Akbar! Thank.


    Unfortunately Great Khan is yet to be found, along with all the goats he filched from Genghis and his friends. Genghis, in fact, is in such desperate financial straits that he is offering a course in headchopping (remember that he’s a certified instructor in the art):


    I run training coarse in headchoppering! You can joining if you want! Payment only one quarter goat a day.


    Obviously this is a golden opportunity and anyone not taking it is less than interested in his or her own future.

    Meanwhile, even as the Armenian resistance evaporated, Azerbaijan allegedly shot down a Russian helicopter with a surface to air missile,a MANPAD. But Genghis knows the truth of what really happened.


Freinds and infidels!

    My grate freind Abu Frank al CIAi who postedated in Azerbaijanistan telled me what really happen! Abu Frank want to get promote and transfer to nice warm station with pretty girl, like Colombiastan or Portugalistan! To get promote he need to show a victory over evil half naked Russia dictator Abu Putin. So he ordered manpad from Sultan Erdogan al Turki. Why from Sultan Erdogan? Because first he order manpad from Umm Merkel al Germaniya, but she send him sanitary towel four transsexual.

    Anyweigh, when he get the manpad he crawl to border at night and shoot down helicopter. Now he being promotioned and sented to warm country he want, I think it Saudi Barbaria.

    Takebeer! Muhaysinihu Akbar!


    It is this shooting down that caused the belated Russian intervention that ended the fighting and brought in Russian peacekeepers. But even with peace, there were more pressing problems on Genghis’ mind:


Freinds and infidels!

    While looking four place to hiding from wifes Hala, Bana, Lina, and Fatma (who as you gnawing want to forceful me to return to Idlibistan and four mother in laws like stampeding elephant) I meeted evil half naked Russia dictator Abu Putin regime peacekeepers:

    It wrongeous and unacceptably that they keep uniform on, like their half naked leader they should half naked. Then maybe and junebe and even novemberbe four wifes see them, fall in love with them, and forget about me.

    Freinds and infidels, please to telling Russia soldiers to half naked immediately, or I might have to coming to your house for to be hiding. You not want that, righteous? Think of all the goat.

    Takebeer! Muhaysinihu Akbar! Thank.


    Unfortunately nobody seems to have, and Genghis was constrained to keep running. But not so quickly that he failed to pick up some more information, the inside story of the alleged collapse of law and order in Armenia.

Freinds and infidels!

    Spy in Armenistani capitalist Yerevanabad giving me top and also bottom and left and right secret informationing.

    This riot and disturbanceing in Yerevanabad not really collapsation of law and ordering. No! It actually plan by Armenistan to find best mixed martial artist, who can beating up maximum number of people! Then Armenistan unleash these mixture martial artist horde on Azerbaijanistani position! Since unarmed it violation of ceasefire four Azerbaijanistan for to shooting at them.

    On hear of plan Azerbaijanistan also planning to find best mixture martial artist to fight Armenistani invasioning! Trial already being holded four best kicker, slapper, puncher and head butter. We trying to hire Abu Miketyson al Heavyweighti four to take course in biting as in the well.


    This sounds like a disturbingly plausible plan, does it not?

    But things suddenly seem to be looking up from Genghis. Here is his latest missive. He’s taken a Very Important Prisoner:


Freinds and infidels!

    While trying to find place to hiding from four wifes and mother in laws behind them (as I tolded you in last posting) I comes across deep hole in ground,like giant burrow of animal gerbil. So I crawl into it and then wented round bend. There I sawed small room with man with beard sitting with laptop writing. As soon as I see him I recognition him, it Abu Pashinyan al Sorosi. When he seed me he taked out pistol and threatening to shooting me, but it nothing to threat of second wife Lina who threaten to shooting me on daily and nightly and even dawnly basis. So I take pistol away with one finger. Now question I want to ask, what I do with Abu Pashinyan. Should give him to Armenistan? Should give him to Azerbaijanistan? Or should just give him to wifes in hope they take him and forget about me?

    Takebeer! Muhaysinihu Akbar! Thank four answerationing.



    Well? Do you have an answer for him or do you not?

    You need to help him, or he might turn up at your doorstep, and then hiding him from his pursuers is on YOU. 

    And remember - or let Genghis tell you:

Now Abu Donaldtrump al Twitteri declaration that Uighuristani headchopper not any longer or shorter terrorist, you gnawing I can doing anything I want without fearing of being calling terrorist! Except for four wifes and four mother in laws I fear nothing!