the desk of Mr Brain Obasanje, First Secretary, National Bank of Bisaria:
Pardon my indignation at having contacted
you at first notice without warning, but I was told by one of your compatriots
in this country about you, and that you were highly reliable and honest fellow
who could help me.
Please permit I will introduct myself. I am
Mr Brain Obasanje, First Secretary, National Bank of Bisaria, and I have
important business proposition for you.
Some years ago, during civil war in my
country, there was a crash in Karibu province. Everyone thought it was fighter
plane of regime, but my brother was in air force and he tell me that there was
no fighter plane crash. So some time ago, during my leave, I went to crash
site. It was in jungle, but with great difficulty I reached it. In the jungle I
find deep hole in ground with wreckage at bottom. It is, I found, foreign
plane, maybe, not Bisarian, but I do not know much about plane so cannot say
which country. All I can say is it was plane like I have never see before,
though it was all smashed up. In wreckage I also found very heavy box, which
when I cut open a bit I saw gold colour of metal bricks inside.
I have now bringed gold box back to the
capital here, Keke, and deposited it with security company in a safe deposit
box. Nobody but me knows about this gold, I assure you. I am the only fellow
who knows about it. But it is not safe for me to use this gold here in this
country, because there are too many criminal and greedy official poeple. I want
to send it abroad to someone who can be trusted, who can help me invest it in
So here is my business propoposition – I
want you to accept the box in your country, and to help me sell the contents
and invest the proceeds in your country. In return I will be prepared to offer
you 20% of the amount, while 75% will be
for me and 5% for incidental expenses.
Plese to note that I am trusting you fully
with this and that I expect you will be keeping details fully confidential. If
interested contact me by return email.
Mr Brain Obasanje.
from Captain Farvo Ejer to Mr Brain Obasanje:
Dear Mr Obasanje,
I was pleasantly surprised to receive your
letter, since I am very interested in the history of aviation and especially in
unidentified air crashes and accidents. Your story interests me very keenly. I
am, of course, prepared to help you with your transaction in every way I can,
but in return I wish to know all the details of your visit to the crash site
and everything you found there.
I am grateful to whichever unnamed
compatriot of mine was in Bisaria and mentioned my name to you, because
otherwise I would not be privy to these fascinating details. Thank you so much
I am impressed by your honesty and
integrity. Few people would be willing to trust a stranger with their
hard-found gold, and more so would be concerned with saving it from rapacious
corrupt officials. I congratulate you, Mr Brain Obasanje.
Captain Farvo Ejer
People’s Democratic Republic of Durakistan.
from Mr Brain Obasanje to Captain Farvo Ejer:
Dear Captain Farvo
I am very happy to read from you. Your
message is very welcome. I will at once contact security company to inform them
that you will soon be contacting them with instruction to send the box to you.
The do not know what is in the box. I have written in documentation that it is family
luggage and heirlooms. Please remember that matter is completely confidential.
I am trusting you in this.
The security company contact details are as
New Security Associates
Central Impala Avenue
Republic of Bisaria.
If want you can come to Bisaria to collect
direct or you can contact company at email email@example.com .
Please let me know which you prefer.
-Mr Brain Obasanje.
from Captain Farvo Ejer to Mr Brain Obasanje:
Do you mind if I call you by your first
name? If we’re going to be partners, it’s rather ridiculous to keep on a formal
basis, isn’t it? I’ve actually never come across anyone called Brain before.
Did your parents know you would turn out to be someone of scintillating
intelligence? Certainly, nobody stupid would have had your foresight, and
thought to check up on the crash.
I will be contacting the security company,
but in the meantime, Brain, I would like to remind you of what I said – I want
you to tell me everything about the crash site, leaving out not the slightest
detail – not the smallest, teensiest one, you follow me, Brain? In the next
email you send me, I expect every detail. Please don’t omit anything, however
insignificant. Is that clear, my friend Brain?
Your friend, Farvo.
Letter from Mr Brain Obasanje to Captain
I am very glad to be reading from you as
usual. I am also very glad that you have comtacted the security company, they
will tell you how to proceed in full detail.
I am going to tell you now about the trip
to the crash site.
This crash was not far from N’Tiloap city,
in heavy rain forest. I took plane to N’Tiloap – it was very bad flight, air
hostesses did not give me acohol though I asked – and when I got there it was
raining. But I am very brave and hard-working fellow, so rain did not stop me.
I took rental car to the village of Faw ‘Ndeer near the forest and from there
walked. I had description of direction of crash from villagers, though no map.
But it was direct west of Faw ‘Ndeer. Faw ‘Ndeer is very dirty place, by the
way, with people brewing bad homemade liquor in iron drums and selling it in
N’Tiloap and Keke. Government doing its best to stop this liquor trade because
it harms revenue from official imported whisky and beer, but still going on.
Also this liquor tasteslike raw surgical spirit mix with crushed garlic. You
would not like.
from there I reached forest and parking car by roadside I started
walking into the jungle. This was in the morning, about 11, because I may be
brave fellow but I am not mad and I not want to be in forest alone after night.
Forest at first not thick, but later many vines and also bad insects,
mosquitoes and leeches. I walked maybe three hours, three and half hours before
I see that trees are broken and burned, forest has not covered all damage yet.
So I follow broken trees to where breaking is maximum, and I find deep hole in
ground. All around is broken silver metal, and I know Bisarian Air Force planes
coloured yellow and green, not silver. So I know it was not air force plane.
In bottpm of hole I see lot of metal,
broken engine parts. Looked like huge corkscrew, not what I think engine of a
plane would look like. I did not see any bodies but of course wild animals and
insect would have eaten them by now. I was look for any information on whose
plane it might be. Did not look big enough for passenger plane and also I did
not see seats like on passenger plane. Maybe if was passenger plane there might
have been some good whiskey that air hostesses did not give to passengers. But
looking near corkscrew engine I found box, it was small and heavy and as I say
I saw gold inside. I carried it back out of the forest and it was night when I
come out. I was just on time to stop boys from Faw ‘Ndeer from stealing my car.
That is story. Please to tell me what
security company said. Faster we get this done, better for everyone.
Your friend, Brain.
from Captain Farvo Ejer to Mr Brain Obasanje:
Thank you so much for your information. I
believe I would like a look at the crash site myself. Therefore I am arriving
in Bisaria by the first available flight, which will be reaching Keke at 9 pm
the day after tomorrow. I hope you can meet me at the airport. Just hold a
placard with my name on it so that I know who you are.
Since I will be in Bisaria, I can visit the
security company personally and take the box away with me. That will avoid all
the complications of sending it overseas along with the expenses of doing
that. Every bit of money saved is the
more for you and me, right? Also, I’ll be bringing along with me a list of
businesses in which you can invest in Durakistan. I believe you’ll find that
unicorn-farming brings great returns, but of course the choice is yours.
See you very soon.
from Captain Farvo Ejer to the Great Mother SinkarKamade:
Respected Great Mother
Greetings and humble salutations.
It gives me great pleasure to be able to
report that my long quest has finally met with success, and I’ve managed to
locate the wreckage of Scout Craft XZ13. As you will no doubt recall, this
vessel disappeared on a vital reconnaissance mission over the planet Sol III several
cycles ago, and from that time onwards I have been on this planet trying to
locate it before the local dominant species - known as "human" - found it and thus learnt of our
existence, not to speak of the secrets of its technology.
I would crave your indulgence enough to
write, first, a few words about this species, which will be necessary to fully
appreciate my account of what happened. It is a bipedal mammalian vertebrate of
the ape family, with an apparently infinite capacity for violence, which it
uses against not only the defenceless flora and fauna of the planet but also
against less aggressive members of its own race in vicious internecine fits of
slaughter known as “wars.” Even when not engaged in mass extermination of their
own species, its members routinely attempt to cheat, rob, steal and otherwise
take advantage of each other in every way they can. Competition, virtually
without any rules of conduct, seems to be preferred to cooperation where the
vast majority of these simians are concerned.
Obviously, you will realise how important it was to keep our technology away from these "human" primitives.
Having searched high and low for reliable
information, all I came up with was a mass of ridiculous claptrap about gods
who came down from the sky, little green men, and the like. I even spent a
considerable amount of time hunting fruitlessly along likely parts of the
planet where it was possible the scout craft might have crashed, but came up
with nothing. I was, I must say, on the verge of giving up. It would have been
a bitter pill for me, because I have never, ever, been defeated before. But
there is always a first time.
And then, on the primitive communications
network called the “internet” these native simians use, I received a message.
It was an obvious scam, of a kind meant to
extract money from a potential victim by false pretences. In this case, the
scammer claimed to be offering me a share of some amount of gold he had in his
possession – these apes, for some reason, value that soft, heavy and useless
metal. The idea was that I would advance him money to further his scheme to
share the gold with me – whereupon he would take the money and disappear.
A fairly simpleminded scam, targeting the
simpleminded. I would have passed it by without a second thought.
However, this particular scammer also wrote
something very interesting. He claimed to have discovered the gold in the
wreckage of an unknown aircraft which had crashed in the forest during one of
these “wars” these apes so love. What was interesting was that the time and
place of this crash corresponded fairly closely to the last known position of
Scout Craft XZ13.
It seemed to me that the scammer, who
called himself “Brain Obasanje” – “Brain” being an obvious misspelling of
“Brian”, a not uncommon name among these creatures – actually had come across
the crash, and was using its details to add verisimilitude to his “gold” story.
I therefore wrote back to him, promising him help in his scheme, and asking for
details of the crash.
What he wrote in response convinced me that
he had actually found the wreckage; in particular, he mentioned, in passing, a
“corkscrew” that formed part of the engine. This, of course, is the main
component of the Nimmerlen Drive, which is now obsolete but which the XZ13 was
I therefore at once made preparations to
visit the primitive tribal entity (known as a “country”) where this wreckage
had been found, and informed “Brain Obasanje” that he should meet me at the
airport. As expected, he was there, with a couple of “assistants” who were very
large and overly muscled. His plan, obviously, was to abduct me as soon as we
had left the airport, rob me and probably hold me for ransom.
I am, Great Mother, not one to jump to
conclusions, so I allowed them to make the first move. I, in fact, waited until
we were out on the highway and the one who called himself “Brain” took out a
knife and held it to my throat. And then?
And then I merely stopped pretending to be
human, and showed them what I really look like.
You should’ve heard the screams, Great
Mother. You should’ve heard the screams.
I kept Brain Obasanje alive long enough to
force him to take me to the wreckage. And then I drank him dry.
In my defence, it’d been a long time since
Anyway, I’ve located the wreckage, and
removed all the sensitive technology. I have also found the recordings the
Scout Craft made before it crashed. I am sending them along with this message.
I think they’ll be of much interest to our Hive Defenders.
I am remaining on this planet for the time being, to await your instructions.
Your obedient servant,
- Farvo Ejer.
from the Great Mother SinkarKamade to Captain Farvo Ejer:
We have made the decision, taking into
account the information you have provided. We are unanimous: these apes are too dangerous
to be trusted.
You will, accordingly, prepare for the
invasion at once.
The first wave will land tomorrow.
Copyright B Purkayastha 2016