Friday 17 August 2012

My Wonderful JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser Tank

Some of you people may have noticed that I am no longer online as often as I used to be. Well, there is a reason for that: I’m spending most of my free time driving around in my new, wonderful, JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser Tank.

Oh, Badonkadonk, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

First, of course, is the wonderful steel armour plating, with its aesthetic rust patina, so well-suited for camouflaging specks of blood from the people I crush under my wheels during my righteous swathes of destruction. Do not believe the reports that I am an evil megalomaniac; that is just the envy of fifth-columnists and collaborators. I am a benevolent despot; the Dictator of the Universe, and anyone who doesn’t bow before me deserves whatever I…

Where was I? Oh yes.

Now, as I was saying, the steel armour plating is wonderful, a real life saver. Why, only yesterday some terrorist bastard attempted to assassinate me by flinging a beer bottle at my tank, and the missile left not a scratch on the surface! You should have seen the terrorist’s face when I turned the tank and attempted to run him down. It’s not the Badonkadonk’s fault that he was lurching drunkenly all over the street and that I missed him by only…let’s see…two metres. That’s how close I came to exterminating a terrorist and winning a significant victory in the Global War Of Terror!

Not that the evildoer got away with it, of course; I used the wonderful 400 watt premium sound system with PA to curse him out so thoroughly I think I saw him pee his pants. Or that might have been the beer.

Anyway, I’m upgrading the vehicle immediately with remote-controlled 20mm quick-firing cannon turrets fore and aft, and then, evildoers, BRING IT ON!!!

Then, there’s that wonderful, wonderful control column that you can pop up so you can stand up with your head out on top and steer if you want, so much better than a mere, boring steering wheel. I would however recommend that if you’re in training to become a dictator, even if only a mere Global one in a subordinate position to Me, as that is the highest to which you can aspire, you wear a Darth Vader steel helmet. Kids with catapults, you know.

One thing about the control column: I found one of my female underlings inside the tank with the engine running, apparently riding that column. I think she was in considerable pain because when I saw her, her face was twisted and she was gasping. When I switched off the engine and pulled her off the column she quickly recovered, but went red and began stammering. Therefore, I suggest, if you are a woman, that you stay away from the column except while driving it; it may cause you pain and speech difficulties. The company should have posted a warning about it, but has not. I shall inform them of it.

Oh yes, I forgot the one big drawback. I strongly feel the vehicle needs an attachment for a bulldozer blade to be fitted to the prow, so that any driver can clear the debris of his victims out of the way as he smashes a path through all obstacles, such as traffic jams, police barricades, or rubbernecking crowds, while playing demolition derby music at top volume on the PA. I demand that the company immediately fix such a system on my Badonkadonk, gratis. Or else.

Or else what?

Or else, my Badonkadonk and I shall pay them a visit. And, once that blade is fitted, I may pay you one too.

Tremble in your shoes.

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