Friday 17 August 2012

Mullah Love-ullah

Salaam aleikum, apostates, dhimmis, kaffirs and infidels.

I am Mullah Billullah, Amir-i-Jung of the world’s only non-violent jihadist group, the Gandhi-Harkat-ul-Ansar. Yes, O Unbelievers, you heard me right. We are non-violent jihad warriors, and that makes us unbeatable. Insh’allah.

O Filth of Satan, you have heard it said, from among those of you sunk deep in debauch and sin, that one should make love, not war. I say to you, however, that we should and must make love and war. Simultaneously.

By that I mean, O rebels against the Might of Allah, that we of the Gandhi-Harkat-ul-Ansar use love as a weapon, and I do not mean your debased sexual “love” that is not for the begetting of children and is therefore haram in Allah’s eye. We mean love of an entirely different sort, as you shall soon discover – you shall find it and you shall find yourselves on your knees.

Yes, our Holy Warriors are “terrorists”. We wear the term with pride. Whenever my noble First Wife, the Lady Jahannum Khatun, asks me to my face if I am a terrorist, I tell her to her burqa – for are we kaffirs that our women shall unveil to anyone, even themselves? – as I was  saying, I tell her to her burqa that we are terrorists, and I threaten to terrorise her by lifting the corner of her burqa – or even, if mischief is upon me, to take it off her alltogether. She screams in terror and runs away. No wonder, I think sometimes, that Allah has not seen fit to bless us with children.

Be aware, O Infidels, that our Holy Warriors are well trained in the use of AK 47s: that is to say, Aggressive Kissing, not Avtovat Kalashnikov; 47 times. Imagine the touch of a Holy Warrior’s beard-fringed lips on yours, his unbrushed, uncleaned (for some of our Holy Warriors are from villages too poor to afford modern sanitation, O Kaffirs) teeth against yours, his holy tongue inside your mouth, and you will understand the terror of the situation. Does it give you pause to think? Then understand how it would be to feel the Love of an Attr-action Squad of ours, armed to the eyeballs with AK 56s, 74s and even 94s; not to speak of H&K (Hugging  and Kissing, not Heckler and Koch) weapons, and RPG (Really Pushy Greeting) launchers.

O Son of the devil, cursed be his name, think how it will be when our brave warriors flood your streets with their love; when you cannot bring your weapons to  bear against Warriors whose only desire is to love you as Allah willed, what then? If our Holy Warriors insist on shaming you by serving you, or even serving your shameless hussies of wives, what shall you do? How long can you keep beating us back? What power has your blow against that of a kiss of love?

We shall block your missiles, your tanks, your cars, your roads, everything. How? By arms? No. We shall defeat you by showing how much we love you. Let’s see what you do then.

Bismillah-i-Rahim, O Unbelievers, prepare to be defeated utterly and completely by the force of our love. I suggest therefore that the males among you begin growing beards at once, and the females to get themselves fitted, by female tailors naturally, for burqas.

Do not say that you have not been warned. 

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