Tuesday 5 September 2023

Zoggin' Not 'alf Bad(druk)

In dis covva fing, top left, Kaptin Badrukk,top middle Nizkwik, middle iz Ufthak wiv 'is Shokkhamma, an' Princess lower right. 


Oi, listen up, ya zoggin' humie.

Dis story, it goes like dis, see?

Dere is dis humie okkupied planet called Hephaesto, which is fulla da tek humies keep makin', an' which rightfully an' also leftfully belong to da orks since da mekboys can think of fings t'do wif da humie tek dat humies can't think of in a WAAAAGH of Sundays.

Now, we got our hero. Dis git is called Ufthak Blackhawk an' 'e's a nob of the Blood Moon klan, but dat don't matter so much because 'is outfit is one of a whole group o' klans under Warboss Da Big Mek.

Da Big Mek wants da humie tek on Hephaesto fer reasonz I told ya already, so 'e comes wif 'is ships an' orkboyz to capture da planet. But dis flash git freeboota Kaptin Badrukk is already attacking da planet, and Da Big Mek decides to join da forces an' share da loot wif 'im afterwards instead of fightin' 'im an' lettin' da humies get away. 

Now da problem iz, da humies aren't da usual sort, squishy when ya hits 'em wif Ufthak's Shokkhamma. Dey're dese humie mekboyz who've done fings wif demselves, see, turnin' most of dere bodiez to metal fings, armour an' tentacles an' weapons at every nook an' cranny.

Just da kind of fing that orkboyz luv, cause it gives 'em a good fight. 

But dere's dis uvver problem. Dis flash git Badrukk is out ter sabotage Da Big Mek an' steal all da good loot fer 'imself. An' dere's dis zoggin' grot called Nizkwik dat attached 'imself to Ufthak an' our hero can't get rid of 'im no matter how hard 'e tries.

Dere's also dis squig called Princess, who's just like a loyal dog to Ufthak, only big enuff ter eat a humie arm whole an' save Ufthak's life from a humie mekboy. She's a good squig.

Uvver people on Ufthak's crew are also good, ya unnerstand, gits like Da Boffin, who replaced 'is own legs wif a wheel an' who can drive anyfing from a humie hovercraft to a hijacked fighter plane, Mogrot Redtoof, Ufthak's sidekick, an' othas. 

Now da humiez also have problems. Dey're divided an' fightin', an' dere's a traitor who sold 'imself to demons an' who made a demon machine ter destroy everyfing, humie an' ork alike. 

Of course Ufthak an' da orkboyz can't let 'im do dat kind of fing. Da tek on da planet belongs to da orks, an' woe ter any demon or humie or Badrukk dat gets in da way!

Good fings:

Dis book is funny an' quick. Except da humie parts, which are too long an' not one of da humies is likeable. Dey all deserve ter get krumped good an' propa.

Bad fings:

Da ending is a bit rushed an' we never find out wot happens to sum important characters. Humie plots are confusin' an' dere's a subplot about a possible xenos artifact dat has an Internet ("noosphere") presence dat's built up an' up but never goes anywhere. It's like da humie dat wrote dis story forgot about dis whole fing.

I give it 3 stars out of five.