Bill's Forecasts For 2016

So, everyone – you’d like to know what’s going to happen in 2016, right?

I agree it’s going to be a vital year, and that events of major importance are going to take place. Some of them can be predicted by just about anyone. For the rest, well, you need somebody of undoubted genius, who can see into the future and who has an amazing record of being right, always, invariably, without a single miss.

Where can one find someone like that? Oh, right.

So, looking into my crystal ball, here’s what’s going to happen in 2016. You may or may not believe any or all of it according to your predilections.

January:

The New Year begins with a bang when, in an attempt to recreate the ancient Hindu knowledge of space flight, a Vedic research laboratory in India ties ten million fireworks together and sets them off from a top secret launch site in the Rajasthan desert. The collection rises a couple of hundred metres into the air and explodes with such a huge flash and bang that Pakistan mistakes it for an Indian nuclear attack and fires off a missile in retaliation. Fortunately, the missile, having been programmed in accordance with Saudi interpretations of geography, rises into the air and hovers, waiting for the world to turn so that India comes below it, by which time the mistake is realised and the missile destroyed by remote control. The nuclear warhead falls to the ground near Mosul, and ISIS gratefully acknowledges this addition to its arsenal.

In the world of business, Apple introduces a new way of measuring chronological progress, known as iTime, which can only be used by people willing to purchase a licence to use it. People all over the world begin to pay immense amounts to buy iTime licences. A hoax post appears online which claims that iTime can be made to run backwards if one stands on one’s head on the top of a skyscraper and has a friend spin one round thrice. Eleventy-three people are killed or injured as a result of this.

A criminal gang infiltrates the Louvre, determined to steal the Mona Lisa. However, they are easily foiled by the authorities, who, tipped off in advance, have replaced the real painting with a gif downloaded from the internet.

A major new doping scandal erupts in sporting when, at the World Ice Cube Chewing Championship at Ottawa, Canada, it is revealed that the contestants from Botswana have had their teeth coated with desensitising sealants in advance. The World Federation of Ice Cube Chewing at once suspends Russia for this.

An unarmed young black man is shot dead by police in the US. The internet blows up with outrage. Barack Obama declares sympathy with the victim’s family and appears on TV with them. The internet applauds his liberalism and empathy.

Meanwhile, five unarmed schoolchildren are blown up by a drone strike in Afghanistan. The internet’s silence is deafening.

February:

In an attempt to dispel the stigma associated with being the shortest month of the year, February files an anti-discrimination lawsuit at the International Court in the Hague to be formally declared “elongationally challenged.” February-Pride parades are held throughout the world, with processionists carrying flags coloured grey and white and emblazoned with the numeral 28.

On the campaign trail, US Democratic Party frontrunner Killary Klingon alleges that February faces systematic discrimination in Russia, and that Russian president Putin has had the month arrested and thrown into prison. “When I am president,” she says, “February shall have justice!”

In India, the colour green is banned as being Islamic, and therefore against the national ethos. Since the forests that cover much of the central part of the peninsula are green, it is decided that they must be eliminated. “It is purely a coincidence that the land below these Muslim forests is filled with coal and mineral deposits,” the newly appointed Minister of Environment and Mining declares. “Any organisation, like Greenpeace, which says otherwise is an antinational force determined to hold back our economic development and must be destroyed!” Offices of Greenpeace and other environmental bodies are attacked by patriotic Hindu mobs and burnt down. “They were only expressing their justifiable anger,” the Home Minister says.

iTime becomes the largest selling chronological system in the world, increasing Apple’s stock prices by 1000%. “It’s a Crime to Be Without iTime,” its catchy new ad, swiftly becomes the new internet and television sensation. The designer of iTime buys a ticket as a space tourist to the International Space Station. “I’m willing to pay to have the name changed to the iNternational Space Station,” he says.

An unarmed young black man is shot dead by police in the US. The internet blows up with outrage. Barack Obama declares sympathy with the victim’s family and appears on TV with them. The internet applauds his liberalism and empathy.

Meanwhile, ten unarmed schoolchildren are blown up by a drone strike in Afghanistan. The internet’s silence is deafening.

March:

In a startling new development, the Arctic ice cap packs up its bags and announces that it’s taking a vacation in the sun. “I’m sick and tired of always being cold and wet,” it says. “Everyone else can have a vacation, why can’t I?” Liberals around the world decide to launch GoFundMe campaigns to finance the vacation for the Arctic ice, and declare anyone opposed to the idea as Putin supporters and enemies of freedom.

Meanwhile, it’s revealed in the latest issue of ISIS’ magazine, Dabiq, that the nuclear warhead received by the organisation from the crashed Pakistani missile will be only used against Russia. “There’s no need to panic about the matter,” White House spokesperson Marie Psaki announces. “It’s Russia’s problem and nothing to do with us.” Ukraine’s Prime Minister Yatsenyuk appeals to ISIS to paint a blue and yellow flag on the warhead as well. “It will be Ukraine’s victory against the Russian invaders,” he declares.

In India, as the process of destruction of the Muslim forests starts, Communist guerrillas hiding in the jungles begin fighting back against the deforestation. “This is obviously a conspiracy of the Communists and Muslims,” the government announces, and bans the colour red.

Microsoft announces that it will begin a rival to iTime, called WindNows 2016. “It’ll be cheaper than iTime, and much more easily serviceable,” Bill Gates says. “My wife and I will at once donate money from our foundation to any organisation which uses WindNows 2016 exclusively.”

The Indian cricket team suffers a shock when – on the eve of its tour of Australia – Hindu nationalist organisations say that cricket is an alien pastime and hence must be banned. Fortunately, the Sports Ministry brings together a panel of Hindu sages and holy men who declare that according to the Vedas cricket is an ancient Hindu invention and the tour can go ahead.

An unarmed young black man is shot dead by police in the US. The internet blows up with outrage. Barack Obama declares sympathy with the victim’s family and appears on TV with them. The internet applauds his liberalism and empathy.

Meanwhile, fifteen unarmed schoolchildren are blown up by a drone strike in Afghanistan. The internet’s silence is deafening.

April:

The GoFundMe campaign gets together enough money to send the Arctic ice cap on holiday to Goa. It melts at once, flooding coastal lands across the globe. “It’s all the fault of the conservatives,” the campaign contributors insist. “It’s because of their support for fossil fuels that the ice cap melted so quickly, not because of us.”

A Russian Spetsnaz attack in Syria retrieves the nuclear warhead from ISIS and in the course of the attack kills a Turkish army officer who was acting as advisor and trainer with the terrorist organisation. Calling this an “unacceptable aggression against a NATO ally,” Barack Obama announces 12345 new sanctions against Russia.

A new fairness cream takes the market by storm in India. It instantly bleaches skin to an albino white. Indian media justifies this as “taking revenge on the West by becoming whiter than they are.”

iTimes hits its first minor snag when the iNternational Space Station threatens to change its name back, claiming it had not been paid as promised. Apple’s stocks decline by 1%. Microsoft gleefully announces “Apple is finished!”

In the world of sports, Saudi Arabia announces the first World Headball Championship, to be played with severed heads. Teams from all Syrian moderate rebel groups at once agree to participate. Prince Charles of Britain, the guest of honour, opens the ceremonies by kicking the first head after chopping it off its owner’s shoulders. The winning team is given a gold cup filled with stewed human heart.

An unarmed young black man is shot dead by police in the US. The internet blows up with outrage. Barack Obama declares sympathy with the victim’s family and appears on TV with them. The internet applauds his liberalism and empathy.

Meanwhile, twenty unarmed schoolchildren are blown up by a drone strike in Afghanistan. The internet’s silence is deafening.

May:

The month begins with a major controversy when US Democratic Party presidential candidate Killary Klingon kisses a baby and is alleged to have surreptitiously wiping her mouth afterwards. “Did you wipe your mouth?” a Senate investigative committee asks her. “You mean with a cloth or something?” she replies. “What difference does it make anyway?”

The pro-Klingon group Woman The Future (WTF) declares that this is a conspiracy by Russian president Putin. “The best revenge,” the group states, “will be to vote en masse for Her and Defeat Putin.”  

On 7^th May, the European Union declares that the day will henceforth be celebrated as the anniversary of the victory of freedom and democracy, led by the United States, over communism in the Second World War. German Chancellor Angela Merkel scoffs at historians who protest. “Whom are you going to believe,” she asks, “Hollywood, or some ancient relics who live in some other world of their own?” Time Magazine responds by declaring her the Person of the Year for the next decade in advance.

According to western media, mass protests begin in Eritrea against the government of President Afwerki. “Afwerki,” Barack Obama declares in an address to the nation, while ordering fifty thousand soldiers to East Africa, “is a bloody tyrant and must go at once!”   

ISIS launches itself as a corporate entity on Wall Street, under the name of iSIS. It begins buying up blocks of stock in various major companies which are part of the military industrial complex, such as Raytheon, General Dynamics, Lockheed Martin and Hillary Clinton.

An unarmed young black man is shot dead by police in the US. The internet blows up with outrage. Barack Obama declares sympathy with the victim’s family and appears on TV with them. The internet applauds his liberalism and empathy.

Meanwhile, twenty five unarmed schoolchildren are blown up by a drone strike in Afghanistan. The internet’s silence is deafening.

June:

An air strike demolishes a Médecins Sans Frontières hospital complex in Baghdad, killing 1000 patients and doctors. White House spokesperson Marie Psaki at once blames Russia for the airstrike even though multiple videos and photographs show US Air Force planes making repeated passes over the hospital, dropping bombs and firing missiles. “Putin must be made to pay a price for this aggression,” Barack Obama declares, and announces an additional 67890 sanctions on Russia.

According to reports in the Western media, the Afwerki regime in Eritrea uses tear gas against freedom-loving demonstrators. “This is clearly chemical warfare, which crosses the red line,” Fox News declares. “Under the current president, the prestige of the US has sunk so low that even tinpot tyrants like Afwerki dare defy us.” In response, Obama boasts that he has personally ordered the killing of 200000 people. “Nobody kills folk better than I do,” he says, before leaving for the golf course. “I’ve killed more folk than both Bushes put together!”

Meanwhile in India, a major corruption scandal erupts when it’s discovered that various ministries have over-invoiced orders by a factor of 100. Pushed to the wall by public outrage, the government says that zero being an ancient Hindu invention, it’s up to Hindus to define it. “A hundred is a one and a zero and a zero,” the Minister for Vedic Mathematics declares. “Since zero means nothing, over-invoicing by a factor of a hundred merely means by one, which leaves the original amount.” 

“The sentiments of a billion Hindus have been hurt by this talk of zero meaning anything but what we want it to mean,” another prominent Hindu leader says. “These anti-nationals who talk of corruption should go to Pakistan.” Prominent right-wing media and Bollywood personalities take out a march in Delhi against anti-corruption activists.

As iTime and WindNows 2016 battle for market share, Linux releases a free time platform. "It’s based on a twenty four hour day, each divided into sixty minutes and sixty seconds,” Linux says. “It’s free and simple to use.” Apple and Microsoft jointly immediately reject it as an affront to free enterprise. “People have no right to free time,” they declare.

A mass shooting happens at a primary school in the US in which the shooter is white. He is sent for psychiatric evaluation. Gun rights campaigners demand that kindergarten children should be given the right to carry firearms.

In sports, Israel announces that it will be holding the Palestinian House Demolition World Championship. The winner, Prime Minister Netanyahu says, will get a gold swastika Star of David. All NATO nations at once announce their participation.

An unarmed young black man is shot dead by police in the US. The internet blows up with outrage. Barack Obama declares sympathy with the victim’s family and appears on TV with them. The internet applauds his liberalism and empathy.

Meanwhile, thirty unarmed schoolchildren are blown up by a drone strike in Afghanistan. The internet’s silence is deafening. 

July:

The moon declares that it has had enough of revolving round the earth and intends to go off to hang around with Pluto, which, it says, has been feeling lonely ever since it was demoted from its status as a planet. Internet fora put the blame on astronomers who, they say, had demoted Pluto without any care for its feelings. Major tour groups announce package tours for Pluto, to be paid for right away and taken when the technology becomes available.

A new fossil bed is discovered in Somalia, which proves that human evolution began earlier than thought and fills in many gaps in the record. Al Shabaab militants abduct the fossils and hold them for ransom.

Rebellion breaks out in Riyadh as the Yemen war, now well into its second year, continues to fail. The royal family reacts by beheading twenty thousand protestors. Barack Obama and Francois Hollande hold a joint press conference in which they announce they are shocked and saddened at this. They are so shocked and saddened that they send the Saudis ten billion dollars’ worth of cluster bombs to drop on Yemen.

Alleging that Afwerki of Eritrea is massacring protestors, the US invades and occupies the country. Britain, which was not consulted, begs to go along, and sends a squadron of Tornado strike aircraft. They arrive the day after the invasion begins and bomb a Coca Cola factory by mistake. British Prime Minister Cameron takes funds from the National Health System to compensate Coca Cola. Five hospitals close down as a result.

As the invasion continues, Afwerki is murdered in a drone strike along with his family. Killary Klingon, on the campaign trail, takes full credit for this, saying she had recognised the Eritrean leader as a bloodthirsty tyrant when she was still Secretary of State. “I came, I saw, he died,” she says, laughing. Pro-Democratic Party websites break out in mass praise at her wisdom and sagacity.

An earthquake hits Kazakhstan, leaving a hundred thousand dead. Since a major baseball game is held on the same day in America, it finds no mention in US media. Since a major reality show involving gay transvestite trapeze artists wearing bikinis and high heels is held on the same day in Paris, it finds no mention in the European media.

iTime and WindNows 2016 intensify their rivalry with Apple releasing the iTime 2. Microsoft says it will soon bring out the even better, even bigger, WindNows 2020.

An unarmed young black man is shot dead by police in the US. The internet blows up with outrage. Barack Obama declares sympathy with the victim’s family and appears on TV with them. The internet applauds his liberalism and empathy.

Meanwhile, thirty five unarmed schoolchildren are blown up by a drone strike in Afghanistan. The internet’s silence is deafening.

August:

An alien spaceship approaches earth, orbits it several times, and flies away, leaving a message which is deciphered to read that the aliens have decided earth people are not worth knowing. The internet at once blames President Putin of Russia. “If it was not for this gay-hating, freedom-repressing, neo-Hitler,” the popular organisation Americans Worshipping Obama the Lord (AWOL) declares, “the aliens would most certainly have landed.” The rival Heroic Obama Lord Eternal (HOLE), however, says Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump shares some of the blame.

A mass shooting occurs at a US mall, killing seven. Since the shooter was a brown man, rampaging groups of vigilantes go around massacring all Muslims, Sikhs, and Hindus they can find. It is finally discovered that the killer was a Hispanic man with a history of mental illness, who bought a machine gun by mail order.

No evidence is found that the Afwerki government in Eritrea ever killed or oppressed anybody. “We must move forward, not look at the past,” Barack Obama states, and awards Killary Klingon a Freedom Medal. “We will stay on in Eritrea to midwife the transition to freedom and democracy,” he adds, ordering the construction of a mega base large enough to hold a million troops. 

After a stray marble from a catapult used by a Palestinian boy lands ten metres from an Israeli soldier, Israel attacks Gaza once again, murdering two thousand people, almost all civilians. US Democratic Party candidate Killary Klingon rushes to Tel Aviv to express fulsome praise and support. Zionist businessmen respond by giving her ten billion dollars in campaign contributions.

The Indian rupee falls to 100 to the dollar overnight. “This,” the finance ministry gleefully declares, “will help Indian manufacturers sell their products abroad. The lower the rupee, the better.” Asked about the essential imports, like medical supplies and petroleum, which will now become unaffordable, the finance minister frowns. “Cow dung extracts,” he announces, “are medicinal enough for all our needs. As for petroleum, our Vedic scientists are researching the use of cow urine in engines instead.”

A new superhero movie takes the world by storm. It depicts a masked vigilante who uses tame cannibal headhunters to kill the bad guys. Action figures by the million vanish from the shelves of toy stores and supermarkets worldwide.

An unarmed young black man is shot dead by police in the US. The internet blows up with outrage. Barack Obama declares sympathy with the victim’s family and appears on TV with them. The internet applauds his liberalism and empathy.

Meanwhile, forty unarmed schoolchildren are blown up by a drone strike in Afghanistan. The internet’s silence is deafening.

September:

Helped by Russian airstrikes and Iranian and Hizbollah military support, Syria throws out all the various terrorist groups that have been infesting its territory. Prime Minister Yatsenyuk of Ukraine at once offers his own nation as a haven for them. “Just throw out the Russian invaders,” he says, “and Donetsk, Lugansk and Crimea are all yours.” Victoria Nuland, the US’ controller of Ukraine, says she thinks it’s a good idea. “Obviously, Yats is our guy, so whatever he says goes,” she declares.

In a huge scientific breakthrough, it is found without the slightest shadow of doubt that whales are more intelligent than humans. Japan at once declares its intention of hunting all whales to extinction. “Whales are potentially spies in the pay of China,” the Japanese Prime Minister, Tideki Hojo, says. “They need to be eradicated. We cannot take the chance, what with tensions rising in the South China Sea.”

The human fossils found in Somalia, which were taken hostage by al Shabaab, are destroyed in a drone strike personally authorised by Obama himself. Fundamentalist churches in the US declare support to the Democratic Party for taking a bold and decisive step against the heresy and evil of evolution.

Hundreds of thousands of refugees flood out of Eritrea as the country is engulfed by violence and anarchy after the US liberation. Those of them who go to Israel are used as target practice by conscripts. “Israel is the white man’s land,” a spokesman for the Israeli government declares. “These monkeys, I mean black people, should go back where they came from instead of polluting our culture.” A new Hasbara handbook is issued to help professional Israeli propagandists justify this.

In India, a new and fatal strain of disease breaks out among cattle, which decimates herds everywhere. Blaming it on Muslims, mobs of Hindus attack and massacre them. Prime Minister Modi, who has just returned from his 115^th trip abroad of the year, refuses at first to discuss the question. When pressed, he says, “Yes, I feel bad about it. If you accidentally crush a worm under your boot, won’t you feel bad?” His party announces a new National Pride Day to coincide with the anniversary of the massacres. “Remember who started the disease,” Modi’s online troll army declares. “They deserve whatever happens to them.”

In the world of business, iSIS’s share price collapses after the defeat in Syria. As a corporate person, it at once applies for and receives a bailout and a stimulus package.

A huge controversy erupts in the world of sports when it is discovered that a particular team is using plastic coated cleats on its boots instead of rubber coated cleats. It is so huge that all other news disappears for a whole week.

An unarmed young black man is shot dead by police in the US. The internet blows up with outrage. Barack Obama declares sympathy with the victim’s family and appears on TV with them. The internet applauds his liberalism and empathy.

Meanwhile, forty five unarmed schoolchildren are blown up by a drone strike in Afghanistan. The internet’s silence is deafening.

October:

The whales rise in rebellion and sink a Japanese whaling ship, drowning all the crew. Infuriated, Japanese Prime Minister Tideki Hojo announces a new rearmament programme, inclusive of a nuclear arsenal, and declares his nation’s intention to nuke the ocean depths to clear them of all life. The whales respond by saying that in that case they’d start tunnelling away at the base of the Japanese island mass and send them drifting off into the Pacific Ocean.

A Nigerian 419 scammer successfully scams Prince Harry of Britain, claiming to be a Saudi prince who is auctioning the opportunity to behead prisoners in Chop Chop Square. Having shelled out ten million pounds for the privilege of doing what his father did for free, Harry realises he’s been conned. The British government compensates him by taking the funds out of the National Health System. Ten hospitals close down as a result.

A series of state government elections result in crushing losses for India’s governing party, in spite of opinion polls and media reports proclaiming huge imminent victories. Prime Minister Modi, who had taken time off between his 135^th and 156^th trips abroad to campaign, is shielded from blame by his ministers who declare that it is the fault of Pakistan that the elections were lost, and that all the parties which won were Pakistani agents. All these parties are banned with immediate effect.

The tiny nation of Bisaria discovers huge gold and silver deposits, but promptly hides them again. “We’ve seen what happens to small, weak countries cursed with natural resources,” a senior official says off the record. “We don’t want that to happen here, thank you very much. Oh no, we’d rather stay poor.” It is, however, suspected that since word of the find has leaked out, Bisaria is about to become a candidate for freedom and democracy anyway.

In an attempt to set a world record, 1111 skydivers jump out high over the US and form and re-form into patterns as they fall through the air. However, they then fall right into a blizzard of drones crisscrossing their descent path, and are chopped to pieces as a result. The drone manufacturers announce that they will set up a National Drone Association to protect drone owners’ interests. “We advocate open flying of drones,” a spokesman says. “They will have to take the joysticks out of our cold, dead hands.”

In science, a new fundamental particle is discovered, which is responsible for the other particles to be able to interact without flying apart or destroying each other, no matter how otherwise incompatible they may be. The research team names it the Trump Particle, because it trumps the incompatible charges, spins, mass, etc of all the others. Both AWOL and HOLE angrily denounce the decision. “It’s an obvious insult to associate it with Trump,” they say. “It’s obviously a liberal, democratic particle, and should have been named after President Obama. They could have called it the Obviously Better And More Acceptable particle.” The research team is reportedly informed that it will not be considered for the Nobel Prize in Physics unless it performs the name change.

A zombie apocalypse breaks out in Papua New Guinea. Australia at once ships off all asylum seekers to the apocalypse area. “This has nothing at all to do with the outbreak,” Prime Minister Turnbull declares. “However, we have no space to house all these people demanding asylum, so we have to send them somewhere.” When it’s pointed out that Australia is an underpopulated, continent-sized land mass, he says that the vacant areas are off limits owing to the requirements of national security. “Putin will invade and occupy us unless we use them to get ready to defend ourselves,” he says.

An unarmed young black man is shot dead by police in the US. The internet blows up with outrage. Barack Obama declares sympathy with the victim’s family and appears on TV with them. The internet applauds his liberalism and empathy.

Meanwhile, fifty unarmed schoolchildren are blown up by a drone strike in Afghanistan. The internet’s silence is deafening.

November:

In a day of high drama, voting takes place in the US presidential elections, where the main candidates are Donald Trump for the Republican Party and Killary Klingon for the Democratic Party. As counting progresses, Trump achieves an early and increasing lead. When it becomes obvious that his victory is all but confirmed, the Donald calls a hurried press conference. “I admit defeat,” he says. “I’ve lost huge. I’ve lost enormous. I’m fired!” When asked by the media why he should wish to concede without waiting for the verdict, he whips off his famous combover hair, revealing a head bald as an egg. “I said Make America Great Again,” he says. “Not Make America Pate Again.”

In her victory speech, Killary Klingon displays a crown which she announces she will use at her inauguration, which will be renamed the Coronation. Her husband, former president Bill Clinton, is by her side. “Bill will make a great First Lady,” Killary says. “And he knows that cigars aren’t very ladylike, don’t you, Bill? Are cigars ladylike?”

“Define ‘are’,” Bill Clinton replies.

President-elect Killary also says she will follow an aggressive foreign policy. “I’ll come,” she says, giggling happily. “I’ll see. A lot of people will die.”  Stocks of Raytheon and the other military industrial complex firms, including iSIS, rise through the roof.

India announces a new round of bids for supplying backpacks to the army, which has been clamouring for a replacement rucksack for decades. It’s estimated that, if the bids go according to plan, a winner might be announced as early as 2020 and the first deliveries start by 2024. Meanwhile, cows are declared the National Animal of India, replacing the tiger, and a new law makes it illegal to stop a cow going wherever it pleases. This last part of the law is rescinded after Modi’s 199^th trip abroad of the year is postponed when a cow wanders on to the runway and lies down in front of his plane.

A new food craze grips the western world. It consists of the hearts of white rhinoceroses, cooked in the blood of Tasmanian Devils and garnished with the sautéed livers of Saiga antelope. Since these are some of the most endangered species in the world, there are protests from environmental groups. “Ignore zem!” famed French chef Liberte d’Escargot declares. “If you don’t eat zese, ze terrorist ‘e win!” Facebook users at once change their avatars back to the French flag to display their support.

The business world sees a gigantic upheaval when Coca Cola and Pepsi merge. “All these years,” they say, “we’ve been pretending to be enemies so we could wipe out the competition. Now that there’s no competition left, why should we pretend any longer?” Apple and Microsoft deny reports that they are planning a similar merger. “Not while open source software still exists,” they say.

In sports, the Heavyweight Boxing Championship of the world goes to a blind man who has been implanted with radar viewfinders and titanium implants in his fists.

An unarmed young black man is shot dead by police in the US. The internet blows up with outrage. Barack Obama declares sympathy with the victim’s family and appears on TV with them. The internet applauds his liberalism and empathy.

Meanwhile, fifty five unarmed schoolchildren are blown up by a drone strike in Afghanistan. The internet’s silence is deafening. 

December:

As the Southern Hemisphere summer approaches, the Antarctic ice cap announces its decision to take a holiday in warmer climes like its Arctic counterpart. At once the internet fills up with GoFundMe campaigns to sponsor this holiday. “Sure,” people say, “the Arctic was a mistake. But that was then. We’re smarter now. We know what we’re doing!”

The Nobel Peace Prize Committee unanimously awards the prize to Killary Klingon. When asked the reason why, the Committee chairman looks embarrassed. “Um, hmm, if we didn’t, she threatened to bomb us,” he says. “So by giving her the award, we are preventing her from bombing us, which is keeping the peace. Right?”

A whistleblower reveals that outgoing US President Barack Obama owns a majority share in companies which manufacture drones and drone components. The next day, the whistleblower is killed by a drone strike, which is applauded by liberal Americans in huge numbers, who say the president has “executed a traitor”. AWOL and HOLE say that they have resolved their differences enough to jointly announce the setting up of the Holy Exalted Church of Lord Obama the Living God and Messiah, whose symbol is a golf club superimposed on a drone.

When told of his impending godhood, Obama beams modestly. “I do think I’m a pretty good president,” he says. “If folk think so too, who am I to come in the way of their democratic right?”

In India, an alleged terrorist bomb leaves thirty people dead. Shreds of black cloth are discovered at the blast site. Declaring it to be the work of ISIS, the government declares emergency, bans all dissent, locks up all opponents, and announces that it is now a Hindu nation. At once, different groups of Hindus start a vicious internecine civil war over which particular version of Hinduism the nation is to follow.

Apple gives the media a sneak preview of its new iTimes 3, which is three times more expensive than the original iTimes. People across the world fall over themselves to order it.

The new sport of flood parkour takes the world by storm. In this, the newly flooded towns along the coast are used for parkour demonstrations and races. The World Flood Parkour Association headquarters are established in New York, near Wall Street. Killary Klingon is its top patron. “As long as she and those like her remain in power,” a WFPA spokesperson declares, “our sport will flourish. Why, next year we’re planning a world championship in Gaza, which by then should be totally under the sea!”  

On Christmas Day, Santa Claus is shot dead by an enraged house owner while in the act of squeezing down his chimney. No charges are filed, of course, since the house owner clearly had the right to defend himself with his automatic rifle.

An unarmed young black man is shot dead by police in the US. The internet blows up with outrage. Barack Obama declares sympathy with the victim’s family and appears on TV with them. The internet applauds his liberalism and empathy.

Meanwhile, sixty unarmed schoolchildren are blown up by a drone strike in Afghanistan. The internet’s silence is deafening.  

31^st December:

Bill the Butcher announces his forecasts for events in 2017. The internet is not amused.

[Image Source]