Adopt a Cannibal Headhunter Today!

THIS IS A CALL TO ACTION!!!

The poor innocent Cannibal Headhunters of  Lesser Jihadistan are in danger of extinction.

The causes of this are as follows:

First, habitat loss, owing to relentless Russian, Iranian, and Syrian destruction of the cities which form the natural environment of the Cannibal Headhunters.

The second threat is direct extermination by Russian and Syrian bombs and missiles, and Iranian, Syrian, and Hizbollah ground troops.

What does this mean? Why is it important?

Imagine the tranquil life of a Cannibal Headhunter in the wild – he gets up in the morning and extorts food from a civilian, thus ensuring that the civilian doesn’t get fat. This is, of course, evidence of his keen regard for the welfare of the civilian. He then thrashes a prisoner or two after breakfast, thus getting exercise and keeping fit and healthy. The combination of being adequately fed and well-muscled ensures that the lice in his beard and hair get good nourishment, making them able to rear healthy offspring of their own, preserving a whole ecological chain of further parasites and microorganisms. After this, he chops off the heads of a couple of prisoners, thus fulfilling the important function of “thinning the herd” and ensuring that the food and resources available are enough to go around.

After a frugal lunch of stewed human heart, which ensures that he gets a balanced diet, the Cannibal Headhunter spends his afternoon raping a few sex slaves. This is a highly important ecological function since it promotes gene admixture. If the sex slaves survive to produce offspring, the young will have hybrid vigour and be hardier than the previous generation.

Apart from this, the Cannibal Headhunter is an important agent in the balancing of conflicting ecological imperatives. By preventing  the local ecology from growing stable and peaceful, which in the long run can lead to overspecialisation, he constantly churns it with violence, forcing all other organisms to adapt or perish.

In other words, he is a vital and important part of the ecology, and if he becomes extinct, a whole ecosystem will be thrown irrevocably out of gear.

And this is precisely what is happening right now, as the Cannibal Headhunters are being exterminated before our very eyes!

PLEASE HELP US SAVE THE ENDANGERED CANNIBAL HEADHUNTERS OF LESSER JIHADISTAN!

How you can help:

Adopt a Cannibal Headhunter, for just $100 a month!

What your money will buy:

$100 a month will pay the monthly salary of a Cannibal Headhunter, freeing up funds for purchases that he also requires, such as TOW anti-tank missiles, anti-aircraft MANPADS, and beheading knives, not to speak of video and audio equipment so he can get his messages – as well as films of his daily activities – out to the world.

Apart from that, you will have gained the priceless satisfaction of having helped save this rare biological treasure from extinction!

What you will get in return:

1. This FREE cuddly soft toy of an adorable Cannibal Headhunter, complete with hunted head:

2. A glossy photo of the Cannibal Headhunters in action.

3. A personalised certificate signed by noted patrons of the Cannibal Headhunters, namely Presidents Barack Hussein Obama of the USA, Francois Hollande of France, Recep Tayyip Erdogan of Turkey, and King Salman of Saudi Arabia.

4. A full hagiographic article on the Cannibal Headhunters, written by the editorial staff of the New York Times and the Guardian.

5. Free copies for one full year of all issues of the Cannibal Headhunters’ various magazines and publications.

6. A full colour bumper sticker saying SAVE #ALEPPO START #WWIII.

Please do not wait any longer! Every moment counts!

SEND IN YOUR ADOPTION MONEY TODAY!