Sunday, 26 April 2015

Operation Save Hindustan

The Prime Minister of Hindustan
and to
All other patriots.

Jai Shri Ram, Sir.

It has come to my notice that the earthquake which struck Nepal and India on 25th April was caused by one of the earth’s tectonic plates pushing against another. Apparently, these tectonic plates are floating around on top of the earth’s hot inner layers, just as our ancient Hindu sages had discovered in the past, just as they had discovered everything else.

Furthermore, I read that our country, India, that is, Hindustan, is located on top of one of these tectonic plates, which is called the Indian plate.

I know that a lot of people may find cause for pride in knowing that this tectonic plate is named for our country, but, Sir, it is nothing to be proud about. In fact, this tectonic plate is a traitorous entity and must be fought with all weapons at our command.

I shall explain.

Now, Sir, this Indian plate is actually moving northwards at the rate of five centimetres per year. Five centimetres per year may not sound like much, but think of it in the long term. In twenty years it means the difference of one metre. In a hundred years, it makes a difference of five metres. And in a thousand years, it means the difference of fifty metres!

Why is this a matter of concern, Sir? As I understand it, this Indian tectonic plate is sliding under the edge of the so-called Eurasian tectonic plate as it advances northwards. Instead of patriotically trampling down the boundaries of the Eurasian plate, and thus extending our nation’s territories north, it is treacherously slipping under the edge of the other plate and reducing the size of our nation by five centimetres per year!

I ask you, Sir, if this is not treachery, what is? Would we tolerate the activities of anyone determined to steal our land at the rate of five centimetres per year? I think not.

This Indian Plate must, I feel, be in league with such enemies of the nation as Maoists, environmentalists, sickulars, the foreigner Christians and Muslims in our midst, and all the others who constantly plot against our nation and try to undermine it and give its territories to Pakistan and China. We must, therefore, immediately tackle it on a war footing.

First of all, we can no longer tolerate it being called the Indian plate. As a traitor, it has lost the right to call itself Indian. Since it is an enemy, we should call it by the name of an enemy, and thus refer to it from this moment on as the Pakistani plate.

But just changing its name will achieve nothing, because the continued northwards movement of this Pakistani plate will mean that our country will keep getting smaller and so the enemy will win. Therefore, we must immediately take all measures to punish it and force it to stop its northward movement.

How should we do this? Our ancient Hindu sages, as with all other things, knew the answer. Sir, we must at once drill deep shafts all along the boundaries of this Pakistani plate, and explode nuclear bombs inside them. This will force the plate to stop its northward movement, and to understand the consequences of stealing sacred Hindu land. And it will also find a use for the nuclear bombs e have and provide a reason to manufacture more bombs.

We can carry out the project as in this diagram, only much deeper.

You will have noted that part of the boundaries of the Pakistani plate are on the territory of other nations, such as the so-called country of Pakistan. These inferior countries will, of course, refuse to let us drill shafts inside their territories. But that is something that must not be allowed to stop us, for this is a fight for our national existence. Sir, we must immediately send our glorious Indian Army and conquer these countries, which in any case were all sacred Hindu land in the past and must be made so again. 

And once the territory is under our control and the required number of nuclear bombs are ready, we might as well round up all the Maoists, environmentalists, sickulars, Christians, Muslims, and other enemies of the nation and force them to dig these shafts. After all, what else are these vermin good for?

I realise that your political opponents will make noises about this, but, Sir, all that means is that they, too, are in league with these enemies and you should get rid of them as well. Set them to digging shafts, it will teach them a lesson and also give you a free hand politically to advance your policies free from interference.

It is also true that these nuclear explosions may cause some more earthquakes, and kill some millions in the process. But blood sacrifices are necessary to achieve goals, and are in the tradition of our glorious Hindu civilisation, as you know. And, once the task is over, all Hindu women can be ordered to produce at least ten children to restore the population.

I would suggest that you consider giving the project an appropriate name, like Operation Save Hindustan.

With humble sincerity, and urging you to take quick steps in this matter,

Jai Bajrang Bharat SuperHindustani.

P.S. There is no time to lose! Every year we waste means a loss of five more centimetres of sacred Hindu soil. Never forget that.


  1. Seems a waste of atomic bombs to me. Why don't you folks take up Fracking like we have, it is nearly as harmful environmentally as radiation, and instead of something else being responsible for your earthquakes, you have the satisfaction of causing them yourself!

  2. Oh Bill, this is a real keeper. Obviously it is a made up story, but, no doubt some religious nutter would love to try this sort of thing.
    I have a personal rule that I try to follow, emphasis on try, I don't do some things that I think of. The reason for this is, my mind can come up with very weird ideas. Now, if I can think of these ideas, it seems obvious to me, that some idiot might also get a similar idea and actually do it.
    An example, when I lived in California, I used to ride motorcycles. I enjoyed riding to and from work even. At the time, the law may have been changed by now, it was perfectly legal to "split lanes" on a highway. By splitting lanes, I mean where you have say a four lane freeway, a motorcycle could ride between the lanes. I saw Highay Patrol motorcycle officers do this often. I never did. Why? I had this idea, even a motorcycle traveling at say 10 mph, you, in your car, open your door as I come even with your rear bumper. What happens next? Crash of motorcycle into open car door. Now it was illegal to open your door in traffic then. Still big deal, You get a minor offense ticket and I get a damaged bike plus hospital time. So, as with your story here, be very careful about odd ideas, there just may be some fool who will see it and try to run with it.
    Oh, I still get weird ideas every now and then. I usually just keep them to myself. I do not want to encourage the butters. They do that well enough as is. Still, I did enjoy this story very much. And yet, I actually CAN see some idiot who will wish he/she could make it happen for real.
    Sorry to be so long winded. Yes, I do talk too much, even in person. Honest.

  3. Totally or somewhat off topic, but the relief effort is multinational, including several Muslim nations as well as Russia. It will come as no surprise to you that US press is not reporting on Russian relief efforts, nor those from Pakistan. A casual watcher of US news would get the impression that American aid is leading the way and providing the most money and equipment. Fries me, it does.

  4. It is a great nation indeed that can count the very Earth among its enemies. Your plan seems sound.


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