The Key to Immortality

BREAKING NEWS

A team of neurologists has been awarded the Nobel Prize for Medicine for an amazing discovery, which is all set to revolutionise health care and potentially lead to immortality.

Interviewed by media, Team Leader Dr Jean E As described what had precipitated the discovery:

“We got a call from a major hospital, which we can’t name at this time owing to privacy issues, that a woman who should, by all rights, have been dead on arrival was somehow, ‘miraculously’, alive. They said that this person had suffered massive cranial trauma in an accident, sustaining damage which no normal human should have survived – and yet she was not just alive, she did not even seem to be particularly badly affected, apart from the pain and bleeding from the wound.

“When we arrived, we found this woman sitting in bed, a bandage round her head, avidly watching CNN on TV, which at that time was showing a speech by President Obama threatening an immediate attack on Berzerkistan. She was drooling excitedly from the mouth and yelping enthusiastically, which at first we took for a symptom of her trauma. When we asked her if we could examine her and ask a few questions, she became aggressive and accused us, among other things, of being racists and trolls. We found this somewhat strange, since we were of the same race as she, but at the time we noted it as another sign of her trauma.

“Most of her symptoms subsided immediately when the television was forcibly switched off, though she continued muttering about racism and tea. From what we could gather, she had some aversion to parties at which tea was served. This meant next to nothing to us, so we decided to ignore it and examine her.

“The cause of her survival was immediately clear, which merely opened the door to a greater mystery.

“This is what we found: despite massive trauma to her skull, she had survived because she had no brain. All she had was a ganglion at the tip of her brainstem. This was, of course, an amazing discovery, and we had to take a closer look.

“When we did, we found something even more interesting: the woman evidently had possessed a brain at one time, which presumably controlled her body like all other brains do. However, it had begun to degenerate, atrophied, and ultimately disappeared, and the rate at which it did so was so rapid that we could literally see its vestiges shrinking even as we watched.

"As you can see in this image, her brain is almost completely withered away:

“Extrapolating from the rate of shrinkage and the cranial volume, we could state authoritatively that the shrinking must have started in late 2008. So we decided to look for a precipitating factor.

“The one which we found was glaring and obvious: Barack Obama was elected President in 2008.

“Immediately, a lot of things fell into place. The woman’s rants about racism, tea parties and her excited drooling over Obama’s speech, all became easily explicable. Her brain degenerated, obviously, because her adoration of President Obama was so complete and absolute it left it with no other functions to perform. Like a disused muscle, it atrophied and shrank away.

“Leaving the patient, who was now threatening to unleash the NSA and drones on us, we returned to our laboratories and collated the information. Our conclusions are clear and undeniable.

“First, brain death cannot occur when there is no brain to die.

“Next, the brain will shrink and vanish when absolute adoration of Obama is the only function it has to perform.

“Third, once the threat of brain death is removed, the body can be potentially kept alive forever by merely replacing organs which wear out, by transplants.

“We do not mean to suggest political policy, but the jihadists President Obama is arming, training, funding and supporting have access to a lot of valuable organs which they are wasting by merely eating, and raw at that. They could be offered incentives – such as access to sarin gas or machetes with which to behead prisoners – in return for these valuable organs.

“And, of course, it is absolutely essential that Obama-worship now be made a fundamental duty of all citizens nationwide. Otherwise, immortality will be restricted to only the True Believers, and that is unfair to our people and especially our children.

“Thank you for your attention.”