Bumbo XXVIII: Drone Over Eye-ran

The Scene: West Asia.

The time: The recent past. The 4^th December, 2011, to be exact.

The Story: In an atmosphere charged with threats of war against Iran, a top-secret RQ 170 “stealth” surveillance (meaning spy) drone was brought down over the Iranian city of Kashmar, all of 225 kilometres from the border with Afghanistan. It had accidentally gone astray over Afghanistan. You know, the way a drone “accidentally” flies over the border and disappears only to turn up two hundred and more kilometres away. Happens every day.

But this was a Crisis, because clearly only One Man stood between Safety and the End of the World as We Know It. The Bearded Madman in Charge of Iran could not be allowed to become the Bearded Madman Who Knows the Secrets Of Our Drone.

The Bearded Madman

So they called John Bumbo out of retirement.

Bumbo

This is how the conversation went:

First CIA man: Bumbo, we have a problem. One of our drones went down over Eye-ran.

Second CIA man: So we want you to –

First CIA man: Don’t interrupt, goddammit. I was saying, John, in the interests of National Security, we want you to go into Eye-ran and get it out by yourself.

Second CIA man: If the Eye-ranians haven’t found it yet.

First CIA man: The Eye-ranians couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag. John, you know that you are the Only One who stands between us and Disaster. All you have to do is go in and get it out. Just the way the hero does it in all those Tom Clancy books. Hollywood can make a film out of it. Bumbo XXVIII they could call it. Just get the drone back.

Second CIA man: Or, alternatively, blast it into a million pieces.

Bumbo: Huh. You want me to blow them prisoners of war, I mean yer drone, away, huh?

First CIA man: No, blasting it isn’t the way Hollywood would like it. It ain’t heroic enough. Superman would’ve flown it back.

Second CIA man: John here isn’t Superman. Yet.

Bumbo: Live for...something or other. And die for nothin’. Or somethin’ like that. It’s somebody’s choice. I think.

First CIA man: Yes, John, we know. We know. Now about bringing that drone back –

Second CIA man: Who’s to know? As long as we get to the drone before the Eye-ranians, we can tell Hollywood anything.

First CIA man: The faster we can send John here in, the better. Before they find it. Because if they find it it’s gonna be an act of war if he has to kill somebody.

Second CIA man: Flying that drone over the border was already an act of war, you know.

First CIA man: Who cares? It’s only Eye-ranians. They’re all that Ah-muddy-ney-jad gang. It’s jus’ that John here shouldn’t kill anyone if he can help it, because the war isn’t due to start till April.

Third CIA man {rushing in}: The Eye-ranians have jus’ announced they have the drone!

First CIA man: Aw shucks. You sure?

Third CIA man: They put up a video. They say they brought it down by electronic warfare.

Second CIA man: Eye-ranians have electronics? Never heard that before.

Third CIA man: Yeah, well, we’ve already put out a statement saying they can’t have brought the drone down. Even if they did. And that they can’t find out how to build their own. Even if they can.

First CIA man: Let’s watch the damned video already.

Second CIA man: Lookit that American flag with the skulls. That’s an insult.

Bumbo: Bumbo avenge! {Fires machine gun into roof. Plaster rains down.}

Second CIA man: Yes, John, of course. Just be a good boy and sit down for a minute, will ya?

Third CIA man: We put out a story already saying that the Eye-ranians can’t have shot down the drone since it’s in one piece.And we could say that it landed on its own, as it's designed to if it's outta control.

First CIA man: Yeah, but that won’t work since they claim they took over the electronics and brought it down that way. And it looks like it landed wheels-up, which meant it didn't quite land on its own.

Second CIA man: Look here. I’ve asked this already but you really mean to say Eye-ranians have electronics?

First CIA man {to Third CIA man}: Contact the Washington Post at once and tell ‘em to run a story claimin' it’s only a purported video of the drone. Not the real thing. You get it?

Third CIA man: Yeah, but  that won’t do much good when we have to admit it is the drone.

First CIA man: Who cares about that? Joe Six Pack don’t care about what the Eye-ranians say. He cares about what we say. Get!

Third CIA man: All right. Keep your hair on. {Leaves}

First CIA man: The Russkies and Chinks are on the way to check it, you can bet. They’ll be salivatin’ at the chance to check it out and make countermeasures, not to mention copyin' it. {Bitterly} When I think of how we could’ve just taken apart them Eye-ranians...

Bumbo: Huh. Bumbo find, Bumbo kill. {Ties bandanna around forehead, accidentally covering eyes} Bumbo blind.

Second CIA man: Uh, just a second, John, I'll untie you in a moment. {turning to First CIA man} Why didn’t you just set off the self-destruct mechanism in the drone?

First CIA man {staring}: What self-destruct mechanism are you talkin’ about? There isn’t one.

Second CIA man: But I'm sure there was...maybe the damned Eye-ranians deactivated it?

First CIA man: But that would mean they actually took control of it, didn't they? After all, if the self-destruct mechanism didn't go off...

Bumbo: Self-destruct didn't go off? Bumbo set off self-destruct mechanism! {Self-destructs with a terrific bang}

{Maniacal laughter as a drone rushes out of the screen at the audience.}

                                                                   (Curtain)