That's why I haven't been around much. I'm tired all the time, my sleep rhythms are screwed, and I can digest pretty much nothing; food falls through me unchanged.
Had my blood tested, and, no, I don't have HIV, in case you've wondered. In fact, apart from mild anaemia and some protein deficiency, there's not a recognisable thing wrong with me.
I've been to a gastroenterologist who made a provisional diagnosis of Irritable Bowel Syndrome and put me on a ten-day course of medicines the side effects of which actually make me feel worse. Besides, IBS is mostly psychosomatic, so I might as well admit to myself that my brain is doing this to me.
Also, I've got sick of writing. You must understand that, especially for the last two years, I've literally done nothing but write in my spare time...and I have got nothing, zilch, nada for it. Yes, I love writing, and I've given up hope of any material reward from it - but I've reached a point where I have to step back from it and give myself room. I have to get back to the other things I love doing - reading, listening to music, watching trashy B movies - but I haven't done recently because I've felt guilty about not writing. Well, no longer. From now I'll only write as and when I feel like it, and write what I want to, because otherwise I can't write at all.
Yes, I know I'll disappoint a lot of people. But try to see it from my point of view.
Had my blood tested, and, no, I don't have HIV, in case you've wondered. In fact, apart from mild anaemia and some protein deficiency, there's not a recognisable thing wrong with me.
I've been to a gastroenterologist who made a provisional diagnosis of Irritable Bowel Syndrome and put me on a ten-day course of medicines the side effects of which actually make me feel worse. Besides, IBS is mostly psychosomatic, so I might as well admit to myself that my brain is doing this to me.
Also, I've got sick of writing. You must understand that, especially for the last two years, I've literally done nothing but write in my spare time...and I have got nothing, zilch, nada for it. Yes, I love writing, and I've given up hope of any material reward from it - but I've reached a point where I have to step back from it and give myself room. I have to get back to the other things I love doing - reading, listening to music, watching trashy B movies - but I haven't done recently because I've felt guilty about not writing. Well, no longer. From now I'll only write as and when I feel like it, and write what I want to, because otherwise I can't write at all.
Yes, I know I'll disappoint a lot of people. But try to see it from my point of view.
We can't produce novels or artwork like machines. We have to accept this, and others have to do that as well.
ReplyDeleteI do hope you're starting to feel less bowely irritated. Sounds pretty shitty - or shitless. On the other hand I may have caught you at the right time for the group.
ReplyDeleteAnd meanwhile, good luck for the upcoming novel, enjoy Motorhead and don't fuck with any zombies (I don't think Amy Winehouse made it to India, anyway.)
And I really do appreciate your presence in 1Z1 - hope you stay around long enough for the others to get to love your quirky ways.
Del