From The Baboon Chronicles

Once there was a troop of baboons that lived in a lush green mountain valley. The valley had many fruit laden trees, that grew around a stream that trickled out of a hole high in a cliff, gathered in a little lake at the foot, and then meandered in a crystal stream through the valley until losing itself in a river in the plains below. The chief of the baboon clan was named Moammar; and a mighty chief was he, with a great silver cape of fur growing on his shoulders, which was the envy of all the other baboons around. No other baboon had such a luxuriant cape: for only the leader could grow one that long and lustrous. "We must tend to the lake," Moammar said, "for it is fed by rain in the higher mountains, and should the rain fail, the lake will dry up and the river die. And if the rain be too heavy, the lake will burst its banks and flood the valley and wash us all away." So the baboons did as he directed, and piled stones and branches around the lake. When the rains were scarce, they built the piles higher, and the water was confined and there remained enough to drink and keep the trees alive. And when the rains were heavy, they pulled away the piles, so the excess water safely drained away. So the baboon troop lived in their beautiful valley, and flourished, eating the fruits that grew on the trees, and the insects of various kinds that came to destroy the fruit and stayed to become meals. Now there were other baboon troops elsewhere, on a great dry plateau near the valley; and these troops had no river and no fruit trees, but had to live in thorny acacia and search for grubs and seeds among stones. They remained thin and hungry and disease ridden, but that was not all. There were leopards on the plateau, great spotted beasts that preyed on the hapless baboons. The leopards could not catch them easily in the thorny acacia branches, but lay in wait on the ground, knowing the baboons would have to descend to look for food. And each time the baboons, driven by hunger, descended, the leopards would jump on them and eat several, skin and bone and all. Moammar the valley baboon leader looked and saw what was happening to the plateau baboons, and this troubled his soul greatly. "We have more fruit than we can eat," he said. "If we give the excess to the plateau baboons, they need never come down from their acacias, and then the leopards cannot kill and eat them. We should do this." The leopards came to know of the plan and this angered them greatly. "We have an easy life here," they said to each other. "We do not have to exert ourselves chasing gazelles or defending our kills from lions or hyenas. We just have to sit near the acacia trees and eat the baboons when they come down. But if the valley baboons give them fruit, they will not come down at all, and we will have to work for our food, going afield to chase prey. And that won't do at all." Now among the leopards there was a particularly cruel and rapacious old female known to the others as Killary. "I have an idea," she said, licking her fangs. "This Moammar has a tremendous cape of silver fur, a matter of envy to all the rest. None of the others can grow one quite like this because that do not have his authority." Slinking to the edge of the valley, she whispered to the baboons in the fruit trees who were far away from the troop leader. "Why do you want to give any of your fruit to the undeserving baboons of the plateau?" she asked. "Is it not your fruit? And what right do they have to it?" "This is true," a few of the baboons agreed. "Why should they get our fruit? But Moammar is our chief and we must listen to him." "Why should he be your chief?" Killary whispered, swishing her tail from side to side. "Do you not deserve to grow great silver capes on your shoulders like him? Do you not want the pretty young girl baboons to be part of your harems, not his? Overthrow him and you will not only have all that, but your fruit too." The baboons talked among themselves for a while, and then they said, "Yes, we agree; but Moammar is a great chief, with many strong baboons by his side; how can we prevail against him?" "We will fix that," Killary said. "Rebel against him and ask my fellow leopards and me for help." Then the baboons rose up in rebellion against Moammar, but as they had themselves feared, the great chief and his warrior baboons soon put them to flight and it seemed that the rebellion must at any moment be ended. "Help us, Killary!" the rebellious baboons screamed. "Help us, Sarkonazi! Help us, all you other leopards!" And the leopards, who had been lying in wait, sprang into the valley and began killing Moammar's warrior baboons until only Moammar himself, wounded and bleeding, was left; and the rebellious baboons leapt on him with teeth and claws until he was no more. "The job is done!" the leopards said, licking their fangs. "No fruit to the plateau baboons now. We can feast at will." "Yessss," Killary purred. "We came, we saw, he died. Hehehehehehe." And with the other leopards she departed satisfied to the plateau, to keep eating the baboons there. Now in the valley the rebellious baboons each wanted to grow the most magnificent silver cape of fur on the valley, and have the largest harem of pretty girl baboons; but only the chief could do that. So they fell to fighting, all against each other, biting and clawing and warring among the branches so that all the unripe fruit was knocked down to the ground and spoilt. Along with war, hunger came to the valley. Meanwhile the rain clouds gathered overhead, thick and dark, and thunderstorms and torrential rain lashed the high mountains. Water flooded down the cliff and filled up the lake, pressing on the piles of sticks and stones at its sides. But the baboons had been far too busy fighting to see to the maintenance, naturally, so the lake burst its banks and a flash flood rushed down the valley. And all the baboons who had been, because there was no fruit left in the trees, looking for something to eat on the ground, were caught up in the immense surge of water and washed away. From the plateau Killary and the other leopards watched. "What a pity," Killary said, winking. "They were such a large and successful troop, but they fell to fighting among themselves and didn't bother to repair their own homes. One wonders how it could have happened. Oh well." Then, sighing in satisfaction, they went back to killing the baboons who came down from the acacia trees.

Zoggin' Not 'alf Bad(druk)

In dis covva fing, top left, Kaptin Badrukk,top middle Nizkwik, middle iz Ufthak wiv 'is Shokkhamma, an' Princess lower right. 

 

Oi, listen up, ya zoggin' humie.

Dis story, it goes like dis, see?

Dere is dis humie okkupied planet called Hephaesto, which is fulla da tek humies keep makin', an' which rightfully an' also leftfully belong to da orks since da mekboys can think of fings t'do wif da humie tek dat humies can't think of in a WAAAAGH of Sundays.

Now, we got our hero. Dis git is called Ufthak Blackhawk an' 'e's a nob of the Blood Moon klan, but dat don't matter so much because 'is outfit is one of a whole group o' klans under Warboss Da Big Mek.

Da Big Mek wants da humie tek on Hephaesto fer reasonz I told ya already, so 'e comes wif 'is ships an' orkboyz to capture da planet. But dis flash git freeboota Kaptin Badrukk is already attacking da planet, and Da Big Mek decides to join da forces an' share da loot wif 'im afterwards instead of fightin' 'im an' lettin' da humies get away. 

Now da problem iz, da humies aren't da usual sort, squishy when ya hits 'em wif Ufthak's Shokkhamma. Dey're dese humie mekboyz who've done fings wif demselves, see, turnin' most of dere bodiez to metal fings, armour an' tentacles an' weapons at every nook an' cranny.

Just da kind of fing that orkboyz luv, cause it gives 'em a good fight. 

But dere's dis uvver problem. Dis flash git Badrukk is out ter sabotage Da Big Mek an' steal all da good loot fer 'imself. An' dere's dis zoggin' grot called Nizkwik dat attached 'imself to Ufthak an' our hero can't get rid of 'im no matter how hard 'e tries.

Dere's also dis squig called Princess, who's just like a loyal dog to Ufthak, only big enuff ter eat a humie arm whole an' save Ufthak's life from a humie mekboy. She's a good squig.

Uvver people on Ufthak's crew are also good, ya unnerstand, gits like Da Boffin, who replaced 'is own legs wif a wheel an' who can drive anyfing from a humie hovercraft to a hijacked fighter plane, Mogrot Redtoof, Ufthak's sidekick, an' othas. 

Now da humiez also have problems. Dey're divided an' fightin', an' dere's a traitor who sold 'imself to demons an' who made a demon machine ter destroy everyfing, humie an' ork alike. 

Of course Ufthak an' da orkboyz can't let 'im do dat kind of fing. Da tek on da planet belongs to da orks, an' woe ter any demon or humie or Badrukk dat gets in da way!

Good fings:

Dis book is funny an' quick. Except da humie parts, which are too long an' not one of da humies is likeable. Dey all deserve ter get krumped good an' propa.

Bad fings:

Da ending is a bit rushed an' we never find out wot happens to sum important characters. Humie plots are confusin' an' dere's a subplot about a possible xenos artifact dat has an Internet ("noosphere") presence dat's built up an' up but never goes anywhere. It's like da humie dat wrote dis story forgot about dis whole fing.

I give it 3 stars out of five.

Night of the Demon

 

Once there was a Demon Lord who had tired of Hell and all its ways; and being a Lord of the Nether Realms, he had the power to free himself to wander the earth

Where he saw war and famine and pestilence

He saw cities burn under mushroom clouds and men grow rich in the light of the flames

He saw death-robots fly and drop rockets on weddings halfway across the world

He saw a great city by night, with brightly lit shops and restaurants, yet the alleys were dark and deserted, and came down for a closer look

And in one of the alleys was a house, and the house was crumbling; and in it a room, and in the room a bed

And on the bed was a little girl, curled up and not crying

She was not crying because it was difficult enough finding the strength to breathe; and the demon saw she had been brutally treated and was clearly dying.

And the demon's mind was touched with compassion, so that he reached out to comfort and heal her,  when there was a flash of light;

And he looked up to find an angel covered in wings, and the angel said to him:

"Do not presume to heal this girl, I forbid you." And the demon furrowed his brow and said,

"She is suffering, and she is young and has her life ahead of her. Why should she suffer like this and die, when you could heal her at a touch, and so could I?"

And the angel said, "If she dies now, she will die innocent, but if she lives she will accumulate sins; so it is better that she dies now. And young death is beautiful."

And the demon looked at the angel, and so great was his wrath that the creature fluttered backwards. "So this is your Kingdom of Heaven," he said. "Suffering and death is what you love. And you call us evil!"

Then turning to the girl, he murmured, "I am forbidden to heal you. But I am not forbidden to do this." And he gathered the child up in his arms.

"What are you..." the angel shouted, but it was already speaking to the empty air. For the demon was gone, and with him the girl too.

Perhaps there is a world where he can heal her, and there they have gone.