Wednesday, 1 June 2016

Is The Glass Half Empty or Half Full?

Even you – you! – must have heard of the old “is the glass half full or half empty?” question. Time we updated it for the modern age, just like last time.

So:

Is the glass half full or half empty?

Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.


And now for the rest:


Realist: The glass, unless one is in a total vacuum (which is realisable only in intergalactic space) is always full, of air if nothing else.

Pragmatist: The question is, how thirsty am I? If I’m thirsty half will be more than good enough. If I’m not thirsty it doesn’t matter.

Hindunazi: It was filled by our glorious ancient Hindu civilisation, which also invented the glass and the concept of drinking. But evil Muslim invaders looted half the liquid.

Porky Poroshenko, “President” of Rump Ukraine: It’s all Putin’s fault! Putin drank the other half. It’s proof of another Russian invasion. We will retake Crimea!

Barack Hussein Obama: In my weekly Kill List, I just approved the drone execution of the ten year old brown Muslim Afghan terrorist who drank the rest of the liquid in the glass. Now sign this trade agreement and give me another Nobel Peace Prize.

Sultan Erdogan: Refill the glass, or I’ll flood the European Union with refugees.

Angela Merkel, “Chancellor” of Germany: The task before us is to cooperate with everyone, including Russia, to ensure that the glass does not run dry, and then to refill it. [Gets phone call from White House] I meant to say, we will at once send another 200 tanks and 3000 troops to the Russian border to deter Russian aggression. Heil Obama!

Abu Bakr al Baghdadi, Caliph: As the scholar Shaykh al Zarqawi said, the state of the glass is Allah’s message to us that only the True Believers deserve the amount that is left, and the kufr and murtaddin will be left with nothing. So pay jiziya, convert or die! Allahu Akbar!

Moderate cannibal headhunter: Assad has removed half the liquid in order to make innocent freedom loving Syrians die of thirst! Assad must be overthrown!

The Guardian and the New York Times: It's all part of Putin's plan to take over the world! And if you don't agree, you're a Putin troll! 

Fakebook: Look at my cat looking at the glass! Isn’t my cat cute? “Like” this photo if you love cats! Share if you have a cat!

Twitter: Can I fit this glass into 140 characters?

Creationist: If evolution were real the glass would have evolved to fill itself!

Flat-earther: Look at the surface of the liquid in the glass! If the planet was round then the liquid in the glass would be curved! Bwahahahahahahahaha!

Anti-abortionist: Think of all the little unborn children whose souls thirst for the water that’s gone! You murderers!

Alcoholic: What is it in the glass? I don’t like gin. Is it vodka? [Sips, make face] Eh, it’s water. [Throws remaining liquid down the sink.]

Sun: While you’re all arguing, I’m going to evaporate the rest of the liquid. So there.


Glass: [Falls over and breaks]

[Image source]

3 comments:

  1. Existentialist: How can we really be sure there is a glass there?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Quite good.

    MichaelWme

    ReplyDelete

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