Thursday, 21 April 2016

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Expected answer: To get to the other side.

Actual answers:

Social Justice Warrior: It’s a white chicken walking right over a black-topped road, so it’s obviously racism. And it’s even worse because the white chicken is dynamic and the black road can’t even move!

Barack Hussein Obama: I have only two words for this chicken: Predator Drone. I’m really good at killing chickens. [Dutiful titters from audience.] Now give me another Nobel Peace Prize.

Donald Trump: It’s an illegal immigrant chicken coming to steal the egg laying jobs of American chickens, I am going to build a wall across the road to stop it, and I’m going to make the chicken pay for it. And it’s gonna be yuge!

Killary Klingon: What difference does it make anyway? We came, we saw, the chicken died. Vote for me!

John Kerry: The chicken was a Russian invader carrying out yet another invasion of Ukraine. We will immediately send more arms and money and trainers to Ukrainian Nazi militias to help them repel it.

Angela Merkel: We don’t see that blaming anyone is helpful, hope the question of the chicken and the road can be successfully and peacefully resolved through diplomatic negotiations and...[gets phone call from White House]...Jawohl, mein F├╝hrer! Heil!...[puts down phone, wipes sweat from brow]...what was I saying? Yes, it’s all totally Putin’s fault! We will impose more sanctions at once!

Sultan Erdogan: It was a journalist chicken making jokes about me, so I was totally justified in locking it up in a cage and throwing the key away!

Binyamin Netanyahu: Its attempt to cross is an existential threat to Israel, and we are totally justified in dropping 50 million tons of bombs on Gaza at once! And you're anti-Semitic if you criticise this!

Hindunazis: Was it a Hindu chicken or a Muslim chicken? If it was a Hindu chicken, it was an innocent female chicken trying to escape from evil Muslim persecution. If it was a Muslim chicken, it was an evil male chicken looking to seduce innocent female Hindu chickens for a “love jihad”. And we will never give up Kashmir!

Indian patriots: Why is the chicken naked? Naked chickens are a threat to Indian Culture! And we will never give up Kashmir!

Mamata Bannerjee: The chicken crossing the road is a conspiracy of all my opponents to defame me!

The Caliph Abu Bakr al Baghdadi: It was a brave true believer chicken which carried out a successful martyrdom operation with suicide explosives against Assad murtaddin on the other side of the road! Allahu Akbar!

The Guardian: In order to stop all these disputes about chickens and roads, Assad must be overthrown at once!

King Salman al Saud: The chicken is an Iranian-backed Houthi terrorist! [Bombs Yemeni marketplace, killing 200 people] Oh, thanks, Obama, for these new weapons with which to bomb even more markets!

US Supreme Court: It was Iran’s fault that the chicken crossed the road, and Iran must pay $2 billion as compensation.

Adolf Hitler: It is necessary to preserve the pure Aryan racial essence of the chicken, and in order to do that and to secure its birthright of Lebensraum, the chicken is crossing the road to subdue the inferior Negroid and Semitic races of chickens on the other side. The law of survival is a cruel one, and the chicken is fully justified in seeking the improvement of its Aryan racial essence over the inferior chicken races.

Climate change deniers: Ha ha ha, it’s cool enough for the chicken to cross the road, which means global warming is a myth! Ha ha ha!

Creationists: Ha ha ha, if evolution actually existed the chicken would have evolved a way to get across without having to walk across. Ha ha ha, evolution is a myth!

Richard Dawkins: I haven’t read the chicken’s justification for crossing the road, but I often say chickens crossing roads are the greatest force for evil today. And since crossing roads is something you can decide to do, being anti-chicken is not racist!

Sam Harris: We should racially profile all chickens, and any bird which even looks as though it might be a chicken. And if a chicken coop ever gets the capability to acquire a nuclear weapon, we should pre-emptively nuke it at once!

Celebrities: People are all talking about the chicken instead of me. Boo hoo hoo! And here I am with my new leaked sex tape and silicone implants and nobody noticed! Boo hoo hoo!

Hollywood: Can we make a film about a giant mutant chicken crossing a road to threaten an innocent, white, American family? Can we get Tom Cruise to act in it?

Mark Zuckerberg: [At meeting] How can Facebook monetise the chicken crossing the road and use it to mine data to sell to advertisers? I’m waiting for suggestions!

Pharmaceutical companies: We can create a demand for a drug to reduce the neurotic desire of chickens to cross roads. How fast can our labs create and patent a drug molecule for this?

Monsanto: Was it a GMO chicken? Our GMO chickens not only do not cross roads, they don’t lay fertile eggs, so you have to buy new chickens from us each year! And GMO is good for you!

Aung Sang Suu Kyi: I will not answer questions about chickens. I did not know that you were a chicken, or I would not have agreed to this interview.

Pope Francis: Chickens crossing roads should be allowed to do so without hindrance; chickens are creations of God too. It's terrible how chickens are being treated. [Goes off to enjoy chicken dinner.]

PETA: How dare anyone keep chickens in captivity? Domestic chickens are an abomination! This chicken should at once be euthanised, and all other domestic birds as well!

Maoists: To bring revolutionary thought to the oppressed peasantry on the other side of the road. Love live the revolution!

South Korea: Kim Jong Un has issued a decree banning North Korean chickens from crossing roads, and ordered all North Korean women to grow hairdos like chickens. And all North Koreans are starving to death! And it's your duty to believe all this!

Albert Einstein: Depending on your frame of reference, the chicken is marking time in one place and the road is moving under it. Also, whichever of them is moving, time is passing slower for it than for the other one.

Stephen King: When the chicken crossed the road in Castle Rock, Maine, it did not know that it was about to set off a chain of events involving a three-hundred-year old curse and a 900 page book I’m going to write, which will involve murderous chicken demon clowns with maggots instead of eyes.


Sigmund Freud: Obviously, the desire of the chicken to cross the road lies in its inner conflict with its sexual identity, and the latent homosexual pathology which is subconsciously forcing it across the road in search of a cure.


Anti-vaccine activists: The vaccines the chicken was given were infected with enzymes which cause uncontrollable road crossing! STOP VACCINES NOW!

www.clickbait.com: 25 Reasons the chicken crossed the road! Number 16 will shock you!


Judean People’s Front: It’s a People’s Front of Judea chicken SPLITTER!!!!!!!

Liberals: The freedom-loving gay chicken is being forced to flee across the road because of the tyranny of a Putin-supported LGBT-hating dictator! We must launch a humanitarian invasion and regime change operation at once to protect the chicken! Won’t anybody think of the chicken?!?

Chicken and Road: Why the hell can’t you people all find something else to obsess over?



Copyright B Purkayastha 2016


5 comments:

  1. Good one Bill. And yet, I am reminded of a bit from the movie "Stripes" with Bill Murray, they were in training as Army recruits. One of the "songs" in the movie goes something like this; "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. He stepped out of rank got hit by a tank…….." I can't remember the rest of it, though it only had one or two more lines as memory, such as mine is these days, tells me.

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  2. David Cameron: I'm not sure about chickens. Were there any pigs there? That money was resting in my account.

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  3. Me: To get to my stew pot.

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  4. to join the Resistance! :) eat more beef! hhhhh

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  5. Excellent!

    MichaelWme

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