Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Expected
answer: To get to the other side.
Actual
answers:
Social
Justice Warrior: It’s a white chicken walking right
over a black-topped road, so it’s obviously racism. And it’s even worse because
the white chicken is dynamic and the black road can’t even move!
Barack
Hussein Obama: I have only two words for this
chicken: Predator Drone. I’m really good at killing chickens. [Dutiful titters from audience.] Now give me another Nobel Peace Prize.
Donald
Trump: It’s an illegal immigrant chicken coming to
steal the egg laying jobs of American chickens, I am going to build a wall
across the road to stop it, and I’m going to make the chicken pay for it. And
it’s gonna be yuge!
Killary
Klingon: What difference does it make anyway? We
came, we saw, the chicken died. Vote for me!
John
Kerry: The chicken was a Russian invader carrying
out yet another invasion of Ukraine. We will immediately send more arms and
money and trainers to Ukrainian Nazi militias to help them repel it.
Angela
Merkel: We don’t see that blaming anyone is
helpful, hope the question of the chicken and the road can be successfully and
peacefully resolved through diplomatic negotiations and...[gets phone call from White House]...Jawohl, mein Führer! Heil!...[puts down phone, wipes sweat from brow]...what
was I saying? Yes, it’s all totally Putin’s fault! We will impose more
sanctions at once!
Sultan
Erdogan: It was a journalist chicken making jokes
about me, so I was totally justified in locking it up in a cage and throwing
the key away!
Binyamin
Netanyahu: Its
attempt to cross is an existential threat to Israel, and we are totally
justified in dropping 50 million tons of bombs on Gaza at once! And you're anti-Semitic if you criticise this!
Hindunazis: Was it a Hindu chicken or a Muslim chicken? If it was a Hindu
chicken, it was an innocent female chicken trying to escape from evil Muslim
persecution. If it was a Muslim chicken, it was an evil male chicken looking to
seduce innocent female Hindu chickens for a “love jihad”. And we will never
give up Kashmir!
Indian
patriots: Why is the chicken naked? Naked chickens
are a threat to Indian Culture! And we will never give up Kashmir!
Mamata
Bannerjee: The chicken crossing the road is a
conspiracy of all my opponents to defame me!
The
Caliph Abu Bakr al Baghdadi: It was a brave true
believer chicken which carried out a successful martyrdom operation with
suicide explosives against Assad murtaddin on the other side of the road!
Allahu Akbar!
The
Guardian: In order to stop all these disputes about
chickens and roads, Assad must be overthrown at once!
King
Salman al Saud: The chicken is an Iranian-backed
Houthi terrorist! [Bombs Yemeni
marketplace, killing 200 people] Oh, thanks, Obama, for these new weapons with
which to bomb even more markets!
US
Supreme Court: It was Iran’s fault that the chicken
crossed the road, and Iran must pay $2 billion as compensation.
Adolf
Hitler: It is necessary to preserve the pure Aryan
racial essence of the chicken, and in order to do that and to secure its
birthright of Lebensraum, the chicken is crossing the road to subdue the
inferior Negroid and Semitic races of chickens on the other side. The law of survival is a cruel one, and the chicken is fully justified in seeking the improvement of its Aryan racial essence over the inferior chicken races.
Climate
change deniers: Ha ha ha, it’s cool enough for the
chicken to cross the road, which means global warming is a myth! Ha ha ha!
Creationists: Ha ha ha, if evolution actually existed the chicken would have
evolved a way to get across without having to walk across. Ha ha ha, evolution
is a myth!
Richard
Dawkins: I haven’t read the chicken’s justification
for crossing the road, but I often say chickens crossing roads are the greatest
force for evil today. And since crossing roads is something you can decide to do, being anti-chicken is not racist!
Sam
Harris: We should racially profile all chickens,
and any bird which even looks as though it might be a chicken. And if a chicken
coop ever gets the capability to acquire a nuclear weapon, we should
pre-emptively nuke it at once!
Celebrities: People are all talking about the chicken instead of me. Boo hoo
hoo! And here I am with my new leaked sex tape and silicone implants and nobody
noticed! Boo hoo hoo!
Hollywood: Can we make a film about a giant mutant chicken crossing a road to
threaten an innocent, white, American family? Can we get Tom Cruise to act in
it?
Mark
Zuckerberg: [At
meeting] How can Facebook monetise the chicken crossing the road and use it
to mine data to sell to advertisers? I’m waiting for suggestions!
Pharmaceutical
companies: We can create a demand for a drug to
reduce the neurotic desire of chickens to cross roads. How fast can our labs create
and patent a drug molecule for this?
Monsanto: Was it a GMO chicken? Our GMO chickens not only do not cross
roads, they don’t lay fertile eggs, so you have to buy new chickens from us
each year! And GMO is good for you!
Aung
Sang Suu Kyi: I will not answer questions about chickens.
I did not know that you were a chicken, or I would not have agreed to this
interview.
Pope
Francis: Chickens crossing roads should be allowed
to do so without hindrance; chickens are creations of God too. It's terrible how chickens are being treated. [Goes off to enjoy chicken dinner.]
PETA: How dare anyone keep chickens in captivity? Domestic chickens are
an abomination! This chicken should at once be euthanised, and all other
domestic birds as well!
Maoists: To bring revolutionary thought to the oppressed peasantry on the
other side of the road. Love live the revolution!
South
Korea: Kim Jong Un has issued a decree banning North
Korean chickens from crossing roads, and ordered all North Korean women to grow hairdos
like chickens. And all North Koreans are starving to death! And it's your duty to believe all this!
Albert
Einstein: Depending on your frame of reference, the
chicken is marking time in one place and the road is moving under it. Also,
whichever of them is moving, time is passing slower for it than for the other
one.
Stephen
King: When the chicken crossed the road in Castle
Rock, Maine, it did not know that it was about to set off a chain of events
involving a three-hundred-year old curse and a 900 page book I’m going to
write, which will involve murderous chicken demon clowns with maggots instead
of eyes.
Sigmund
Freud: Obviously, the desire of the chicken to
cross the road lies in its inner conflict with its sexual identity, and the
latent homosexual pathology which is subconsciously forcing it across the road
in search of a cure.
Anti-vaccine
activists: The vaccines the chicken was given were
infected with enzymes which cause uncontrollable road crossing! STOP VACCINES
NOW!
www.clickbait.com: 25 Reasons the chicken crossed the road! Number 16 will shock you!
Judean
People’s Front: It’s a People’s Front of Judea
chicken SPLITTER!!!!!!!
Liberals: The freedom-loving gay chicken is being forced to flee across the road because of the
tyranny of a Putin-supported LGBT-hating dictator! We must launch a humanitarian invasion
and regime change operation at once to protect the chicken! Won’t anybody think
of the chicken?!?
Chicken
and Road: Why the hell can’t you people all find
something else to obsess over?
Copyright B Purkayastha 2016
Good one Bill. And yet, I am reminded of a bit from the movie "Stripes" with Bill Murray, they were in training as Army recruits. One of the "songs" in the movie goes something like this; "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. He stepped out of rank got hit by a tank…….." I can't remember the rest of it, though it only had one or two more lines as memory, such as mine is these days, tells me.
ReplyDeleteDavid Cameron: I'm not sure about chickens. Were there any pigs there? That money was resting in my account.
ReplyDeleteMe: To get to my stew pot.
ReplyDeleteto join the Resistance! :) eat more beef! hhhhh
ReplyDeleteExcellent!
ReplyDeleteMichaelWme