Sunday, 26 April 2015

Operation Save Hindustan

The Prime Minister of Hindustan
and to
All other patriots.

Jai Shri Ram, Sir.

It has come to my notice that the earthquake which struck Nepal and India on 25th April was caused by one of the earth’s tectonic plates pushing against another. Apparently, these tectonic plates are floating around on top of the earth’s hot inner layers, just as our ancient Hindu sages had discovered in the past, just as they had discovered everything else.

Furthermore, I read that our country, India, that is, Hindustan, is located on top of one of these tectonic plates, which is called the Indian plate.

I know that a lot of people may find cause for pride in knowing that this tectonic plate is named for our country, but, Sir, it is nothing to be proud about. In fact, this tectonic plate is a traitorous entity and must be fought with all weapons at our command.

I shall explain.

Now, Sir, this Indian plate is actually moving northwards at the rate of five centimetres per year. Five centimetres per year may not sound like much, but think of it in the long term. In twenty years it means the difference of one metre. In a hundred years, it makes a difference of five metres. And in a thousand years, it means the difference of fifty metres!

Why is this a matter of concern, Sir? As I understand it, this Indian tectonic plate is sliding under the edge of the so-called Eurasian tectonic plate as it advances northwards. Instead of patriotically trampling down the boundaries of the Eurasian plate, and thus extending our nation’s territories north, it is treacherously slipping under the edge of the other plate and reducing the size of our nation by five centimetres per year!

I ask you, Sir, if this is not treachery, what is? Would we tolerate the activities of anyone determined to steal our land at the rate of five centimetres per year? I think not.

This Indian Plate must, I feel, be in league with such enemies of the nation as Maoists, environmentalists, sickulars, the foreigner Christians and Muslims in our midst, and all the others who constantly plot against our nation and try to undermine it and give its territories to Pakistan and China. We must, therefore, immediately tackle it on a war footing.

First of all, we can no longer tolerate it being called the Indian plate. As a traitor, it has lost the right to call itself Indian. Since it is an enemy, we should call it by the name of an enemy, and thus refer to it from this moment on as the Pakistani plate.

But just changing its name will achieve nothing, because the continued northwards movement of this Pakistani plate will mean that our country will keep getting smaller and so the enemy will win. Therefore, we must immediately take all measures to punish it and force it to stop its northward movement.

How should we do this? Our ancient Hindu sages, as with all other things, knew the answer. Sir, we must at once drill deep shafts all along the boundaries of this Pakistani plate, and explode nuclear bombs inside them. This will force the plate to stop its northward movement, and to understand the consequences of stealing sacred Hindu land. And it will also find a use for the nuclear bombs e have and provide a reason to manufacture more bombs.

We can carry out the project as in this diagram, only much deeper.

You will have noted that part of the boundaries of the Pakistani plate are on the territory of other nations, such as the so-called country of Pakistan. These inferior countries will, of course, refuse to let us drill shafts inside their territories. But that is something that must not be allowed to stop us, for this is a fight for our national existence. Sir, we must immediately send our glorious Indian Army and conquer these countries, which in any case were all sacred Hindu land in the past and must be made so again. 

And once the territory is under our control and the required number of nuclear bombs are ready, we might as well round up all the Maoists, environmentalists, sickulars, Christians, Muslims, and other enemies of the nation and force them to dig these shafts. After all, what else are these vermin good for?

I realise that your political opponents will make noises about this, but, Sir, all that means is that they, too, are in league with these enemies and you should get rid of them as well. Set them to digging shafts, it will teach them a lesson and also give you a free hand politically to advance your policies free from interference.

It is also true that these nuclear explosions may cause some more earthquakes, and kill some millions in the process. But blood sacrifices are necessary to achieve goals, and are in the tradition of our glorious Hindu civilisation, as you know. And, once the task is over, all Hindu women can be ordered to produce at least ten children to restore the population.

I would suggest that you consider giving the project an appropriate name, like Operation Save Hindustan.

With humble sincerity, and urging you to take quick steps in this matter,

Jai Bajrang Bharat SuperHindustani.

P.S. There is no time to lose! Every year we waste means a loss of five more centimetres of sacred Hindu soil. Never forget that.

Quake News

This is for those of you who know of my geographical location and the earthquake that struck Nepal and Northern India yesterday: yes, I’m all right. And, yes, I did feel it.

I was at that time talking to a specimen, whose teeth I’d just done checking. All of a sudden I started feeling queasy, as though I were seasick. This was very strange since it started with no warning, and I didn’t know the reason. I was sitting down, so it wasn’t as though this was the result of postural hypotension – the phenomenon when you get dizzy when you get up suddenly because the blood flow to your brain is temporarily reduced. I continued speaking to the specimen as this nausea continued, for the better part of a minute. And then, all of a sudden, I realised that it was an earthquake – only not one like I’d ever felt before.

Hereabouts, earthquakes are extremely common events, since it’s one of the world’s most seismically active zones, what with the Indian tectonic plate ramming itself under the edge of the Asian tectonic plate, thus pushing up the Himalayas. We’re all very used to quakes – once when I was a teenager we had four earthquakes in the course of one evening, with a power cut on top of it. However, those quakes are totally different, generally a fast approaching rumbling noise followed by a few seconds of hard shakes. This is the first time I’ve ever felt an earthquake which made the entire multi-storey building where I have my clinic rock from side to side on its foundations like a ship on the sea. And it was all in complete silence, which for some reason made it even more unnerving.

What did I do when I realised that it was an earthquake? Nothing. There was nothing to do. By that time the shaking was already slowing down, but even if it hadn’t, there was nothing I could have done. If the building was going to come down, five upper floors would have crashed on my head long before I could have made the open. And it was raining hard anyway.

What did the specimen do, you ask? Nothing. She was one of those spaced out types, and I don’t know if she even noticed the quake.

It was only afterwards that I heard about the huge quake in Nepal. Obviously, we felt the margins of that tremor, which seems to have set the crust of the northern Indian subcontinent to quivering like a jelly. If the epicentre of the quake had been closer, they’d have had to scrape me off the broken masonry with a spoon. Just under my clinic’s floor is the basement parking lot, supported by pillars which would snap like twigs.

And this is a major problem. Earlier, construction in this seismic zone took into consideration the phenomenon of earthquakes – one of which destroyed this town in 1897. Houses were built of light materials, mostly wood, wattles and corrugated tin roofing. They’d ride the waves of the quake rather than resist and be smashed. Even if they did fall, they were so light most people had an excellent chance of emerging from the debris largely unscathed. But that kind of house is almost extinct now. Everyone’s building concrete monstrosities with all the chances of a castle of cards if a hard quake comes along.

What is the government doing about it? Nothing – unless you count taking bribes to look the other way when over-rich fatcats ignore building regulations and build anything they want, any way they want.

Here are some pictures of the aftermath of the quake, from Nepal:

I am, incidentally, somewhat surprised that this news has made the major international media. After all, this didn’t happen in Warshington Dee Cee.

Incidentally, owing to things happening in my personal life, I've not had the time or inclination for writing or drawing these last few days. I hope and expect those things will be cleared up in the next few days. Until then, keep living.

All the best to you all.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

The Leebhar and the Reddio

Back when I was a kid, everyone had a leebhar.

And everyone spent their time constantly taking care of it. The moment a kid was weaned, it would be stuffed full of “medicines” designed to keep its leebhar in proper working order. If anything ever went wrong with anyone’s health, it was because their leebhar wasn’t working properly. Even if nothing went wrong,

What was a leebhar? You have one inside you, but you probably don’t know where it resides or what function it serves. Don’t worry; neither did they.

But they knew, none better, that the leebhar was essential to any and everything. That’s why I, for instance, was forced to swallow capsules of something called Liv 52 every day, and any time I had a stomach ache it would be blamed on said leebhar.

Oh yes, if you haven’t guessed already, the leebhar was what most people call the liver, filtered through the Bunglee inability to manage the v sound.

Bunglee medical knowledge is one of the world’s abiding mysteries. In Bunglistan, as I’ve had reason to mention in the past, there is, to this day, no such thing as a rabid dog. Dogs have poison fangs like snakes, and if they bite you, they (the dog, that is) will die within ten days unless “injected”. Injected with what, that’s a different thing altogether. I presume a distilled water injection would do just fine.

Also, Bunglee illnesses evolve. I haven’t heard of a leebhar since my grandmother died, and even she’d admitted long before that that she hadn’t the faintest idea what a leebhar was or what it was supposed to do; she was just repeating what she’d been told. But long before then, Bunglee illnesses had moved from the leebhar to “acid”. Again, I don’t know whether anyone had the faintest idea what “acid” was, but all you had to do was mention the word to a Bunglee matron and she’d put on a face like a dying duck and regale you with tales of her sufferings from the dread thing.

Not that “acid” is still in vogue, though. It’s infra dig to admit to suffering from “acid” these days. No, today Bunglees one and all suffer from “preshaar”. No self-respecting Bunglee will admit not to suffer from it.

That’s pressure, as in blood pressure, yo.

I wonder what the fashionable disease will be a few years from now. “Haaart,” perhaps. “Or “Bren.”

At least, so far, nobody has claimed that the leebhar, acid or preshaar were deliberately invented to “down” Bunglees. Bunglees are the world’s champion conspiracy theorists, and their conspiracies always revolve around every other ethnic group getting together to “down” them. And also being remarkably insecure people, with an inferiority complex the size of the Burj al Khalifa, the extent to which they’ll go to invent a conspiracy can be mind-boggling at times.

For instance, there was the reddio, er, radio. Back when I was a child, in the mid-1970s, it was an article of faith to deny that Guglielmo Marconi invented the radio – it was invented by the 19th Century Bunglee scientist Jagadish Chandra Bose. This isn’t the place to argue whether Marconi was actually the first to invent the radio, or merely one of several people who invented it roughly at the same time and the first one to successfully popularise it; in fact, that is a legitimate question, and I’d have given the Bunglees a pass on this if that’s what they were arguing. But not at all.

The Bunglee argument wasn’t that Marconi got lucky in the race to get recognition for something he was among several people to invent; no. It was that Bose had invented the radio, alone and by himself, and that Marconi had stolen the invention. Actually, Bose had done some foundational work on electromagnetic waves which was among the many stepping stones to radio, but such distinctions were unintelligible to Bunglees, and in any case detracted from the theme of Bunglee victimhood.

So this was the tale, as I heard it from my grandmother. Bose had invented the radio, and kept the “formula” – the word “formula” figures hugely in any Bunglee discussion of science – on his table. Marconi was travelling the world and had visited Bose in his laboratory. He saw the “formula”, popped it into his pocket, and walked out of there.

So there you have it. The unappreciated Bunglee scientist (Bose was actually extremely well appreciated), the conspiracy to “down” Bunglees, and the magic word “formula”. What more could you want?

Unlike the leebhar, which became obsolete, and left the scene. Now there’s only preshaar.

And homoeopathy. Bunglees are wild on homoeopathy.

But that’s a stupidity for another day.