REPORT ON THE INTERCEPTION OF UFO NUMBER 25-12-11
Introduction: This report deals with the interception of Unauthorised Flying Object (UFO) No 25-12-11, its downing over our Homeland’s territory, and the capture and interrogation of its pilot, who is now under confinement at Guantanamo Bay and awaiting trial by military commission and subsequent execution.
It is to be stressed that all information presented in this report is TOP SECRET and that disclosing it is a crime punishable with having one’s family eradicated by drone strike, by the order of the President and Commander-in-Chief. See Section Yossarian/Catch/22/ of the Heller Report on Homeland Security for further details.
The interception: The UFO was first spotted by radar at ten minutes to midnight of the evening of 24th- 25th December 2011, Eastern Standard Time, and designated Threat Number 25-12-11. It was detected when already over land, flying in at Mach 0.4 at an extremely low altitude (described by observers as “chimney-top height”). That the UFO could penetrate so far into our territory before being detected proves the immediate and urgent necessity for authorising ten trillion dollars for the development of ultra-low-level radar capable of handling any such future intrusions. Raytheon has already suggested that its BIGBANG911 radar will be able to handle this role if the requisite funds are provided for further research and development. The President has privately announced that this funding is necessary for the Security of the Homeland and that anyone who votes against it will be considered a traitor and have his or her family eradicated by drone strike (for authorisation, see above).
The UFO was flying too low and fast for interception by aircraft. F-22 Raptors from the nearest air base (whose location is a military secret) could not be scrambled because they are grounded after a series of faults was detected earlier this year. F-35 Joint Strike Fighters could not be scrambled because they are still in development. F-18 Super Falcon fighters took off but proved incapable of shooting down the UFO, which was now flying an erratic and unpredictable course over a city (whose name shall remain secret), pausing briefly at rooftop height over houses and preventing a clear line of fire. This shows the extreme necessity of developing a new fighter aircraft capable of hunting down such targets, and Boeing has already announced that it will begin constructing the new F-99 Bloodsucker for this exact role, as long as the necessary eighty trillion dollars are sanctioned. The Commander in Chief has decided that this funding is necessary for the Security of the Homeland and that anyone who votes against it will be considered a traitor and have his or her family eradicated by drone strike (for authorisation, see above).
Finally, it was due to the presence of mind of a CIA drone operator that the UFO was brought down at all. This drone operator was piloting an RQ-1 Predator over the city, looking for traitors and evildoers, when he saw the UFO on his screen. Accustomed to thinking quickly and logically under pressure, he made his fateful decision. It would be appropriate to quote from his account of the events that transpired:
“I was flying the drone over the city, lookin’ into hotel and apartment windows for evildoers – you’d be surprised how many evildoers we can see doin’ evil through the hotel and apartment windows, they don’t even think of drawin’ the curtains because they’re so high up. I hadn’t seen too many that night, maybe they were too busy gettin’ ready for Christmas or somethin’. I tell you, I was gettin’ good and burned that I had to work and missin’ my own Christmas when I saw this UFO over the rooftops. It was real low, and kind of odd-shaped, but I knew at once that it had to be evildoers. I could see that the thing was pulled by somethin’ that looked like camels, and the pilot had a beard. What more smokin’ gun did I need?
“Obviously, I couldn’t wait for confirmation, because as we all know we can’t risk the smokin’ gun becomin’ a mushroom cloud. I fired my first missile at the evildoer at once, but it missed him and hit a car in a street two blocks over. Well, it wasn’t no big loss ‘cause later we found that the two men in the car were gay liberal leftist terrorist lover scum who were part of the Occupy traitor gang.
“Then I fired my second missile and it hit the chimney of the house the evildoer was flyin’ over, and blew the house down. Later we found that four people were killed but collateral damage happens, don’t it? And anyway they were probably in a plot with the evildoer because we found milk and cookies placed for him to eat.
“Since I’d exhausted my weapons I had no other option, so I rammed my drone into the UFO. Turned out I knocked him hard enough to force him to crash-land on the grounds of the local high school, and he was caught there before he could escape. The drone was wrecked, unfortunately. I hope they give me a new and stronger one.”
The CIA pilot has been awarded a Freedom Medal and studies are being conducted into making drones stronger and more able to withstand heavy impacts. This is to be accorded top priority in drone R&D by order of the Commander-in-Chief.
The capture of the UFO and pilot: Alerted by the Department of Homeland Security, a local SWAT team was immediately dispatched and captured the pilot in the act of trying to get away on foot. He was dressed in a red flying suit, thus proving his Communist sympathies, and also had a beard, which proved that he was part of the international Islamofascist movement. This was confirmed by his headgear, which was obviously a red and white turban stitched to make it look like a conical hat. As we have discovered over the years, the communist-terrorist alliance against our Homeland and its interests is growing stronger and more virulent.
On capture, the pilot was discovered to be an obese man of highly Nordic appearance, which proves that our Scandinavian allies can no longer be trusted – something we should have suspected already owing to their socialised health care systems and increasing reluctance to commit troops to our efforts to spread freedom and democracy abroad.
|Photo taken at capture, with hands raised in surrender|
Of course, he could also be a Russian citizen from the north-western part of the country, and if so, it will be further evidence that the Russians are planning mischief against us, just as they have opposed us over Syria and Iran. The President has already decided on an additional seven billion dollars in funding to foment a White Revolution in Russia in order to forestall any further threats from that quarter.
On preliminary interrogation, he claimed to be stateless and gave his name as Santa Claus, but of course this could be an alias meant to fool us. As of this writing we have been unable to determine his real name or citizenship, despite one hundred and fifteen waterboarding sessions. We expect though that once we rendition him to our allies in the military government in Egypt, the truth will rapidly come tumbling out. However, until his real name is known, we will refer to him as Santa Claus.
Our intelligence sources confirm that this Claus is an enemy of our system, being a well-known smuggler who does not respect the national boundaries or airspace of our Homeland or that of our allies, let alone those of other nations – violating which is, of course, the sole prerogative of our country. As for the contraband he is known to smuggle, this comprises toys – which he has constructed by socialised labour at an unknown location in the Arctic Circle, and then distributes free to children around the globe.
Claus’ UFO was found in relatively intact condition and should be repairable. However, its military value is questionable, since it comprises little more than a sleigh on runners loaded with a sack of toys and drawn by a team of reindeer (the CIA pilot was pardonably confused by the animals, having only been accustomed to blowing away evildoer ragheads on camels and donkeys in the course of his professional career). These reindeer, being native to the northern parts of Europe, are further proof that the Russians are responsible for this spying and smuggling mission, in alliance with Al Qaeda. The animals are now being examined to discover why and how they are able to fly. Also, the deer in the lead has a glowing red nose, and efforts are being made to discover what kind of sensor system it has implanted within the tissue.
Here is a photograph of the UFO shortly before being brought down, with Santa Claus leering from the cockpit, no doubt contemplating his evil plans:
Implications: The importance of this episode goes far beyond the immediate value of intercepting a single intruding Communist-Islamofascist smuggler. We should consider these points one by one:
1. By smuggling in and freely distributing toys, this man decreases the profits of our toy makers, something amounting to a declaration of economic warfare against us, and also practices socialism, which is contrary to what God intended when He inspired the Founding Fathers of our Constitution. It proves that he is an economic terrorist of a kind we have to set up defences against with immediate effect.
2. By using animal-drawn low-cost transport with no use of fuel, he circumvents the oil companies and their right to make a profit, thus also conducting a second line of economic warfare against us. If his transport system becomes known to the liberal media, most people will immediately want to switch to this system. The profits of car manufacturers and oil companies will crash at once, and reindeer-breeding nations like Russia will overtake us economically. Also, the security of Israel will suffer since without the necessity of controlling oil, we will no longer be able to afford our bases all over the Middle East. Since the security of Israel is of paramount importance, this has to be avoided at all costs.
3. While we have captured Claus himself, he still has a base at an unknown point in the Arctic Circle, hidden under snow and ice. At this place he has an underground and fanatical army of elves (the word is only a contraction of evildoers, as our intelligence sources assure us) who can replace him and carry on his communist jihad against our nation. The only way to detect this base is by promoting global warming in order to melt the ice at the North Pole. Once all the ice is gone, the base will be exposed and can be attacked with whatever weapons the President and Commander in Chief deems appropriate. Of course, we cannot be seen to be promoting global warming, but shall have to do it while pretending the opposite. Here is a photograph of the elves, in their red and green uniforms, which signify their ties to communism and Islam:
4. It proves the absolute necessity of a tremendous increase in our defence and foreign political intervention budgets, even at the cost of abandoning all Social Security services – such of them as are left. However, said increase will have to be kept secret in this time of Occupy Wall Street traitors and other sympathisers of our enemies.
Conclusion: For all these reasons, it is imperative that secrecy be maintained strictly. We hear, from certain unimpeachable sources, that WikiLeaks may have got hold of some cables alluding to the capture of Claus and is planning to make them public. We, accordingly, have decided that your department will send a bevy of attractive Swedish women to London to seduce Julian Assange and charge him with fresh rape accusations before he can upload them on the net. You will arrange it immediately.
These two should do nicely:
Do not fail, on the pain of you and your family being eradicated by a drone strike as traitors, on the order of the President and Commander in Chief. For authorisation, see above.
We wish you a Merry Christmas.
Copyright B Purkayastha 2011