The Prime Minister of Hindustan
All other patriots.
Jai Shri Ram, Sir.
It has come to my notice that the earthquake which struck Nepal and India on 25th April was caused by one of the earth’s tectonic plates pushing against another. Apparently, these tectonic plates are floating around on top of the earth’s hot inner layers, just as our ancient Hindu sages had discovered in the past, just as they had discovered everything else.
Furthermore, I read that our country, India, that is, Hindustan, is located on top of one of these tectonic plates, which is called the Indian plate.
I know that a lot of people may find cause for pride in knowing that this tectonic plate is named for our country, but, Sir, it is nothing to be proud about. In fact, this tectonic plate is a traitorous entity and must be fought with all weapons at our command.
I shall explain.
Now, Sir, this Indian plate is actually moving northwards at the rate of five centimetres per year. Five centimetres per year may not sound like much, but think of it in the long term. In twenty years it means the difference of one metre. In a hundred years, it makes a difference of five metres. And in a thousand years, it means the difference of fifty metres!
Why is this a matter of concern, Sir? As I understand it, this Indian tectonic plate is sliding under the edge of the so-called Eurasian tectonic plate as it advances northwards. Instead of patriotically trampling down the boundaries of the Eurasian plate, and thus extending our nation’s territories north, it is treacherously slipping under the edge of the other plate and reducing the size of our nation by five centimetres per year!
I ask you, Sir, if this is not treachery, what is? Would we tolerate the activities of anyone determined to steal our land at the rate of five centimetres per year? I think not.
This Indian Plate must, I feel, be in league with such enemies of the nation as Maoists, environmentalists, sickulars, the foreigner Christians and Muslims in our midst, and all the others who constantly plot against our nation and try to undermine it and give its territories to Pakistan and China. We must, therefore, immediately tackle it on a war footing.
First of all, we can no longer tolerate it being called the Indian plate. As a traitor, it has lost the right to call itself Indian. Since it is an enemy, we should call it by the name of an enemy, and thus refer to it from this moment on as the Pakistani plate.
But just changing its name will achieve nothing, because the continued northwards movement of this Pakistani plate will mean that our country will keep getting smaller and so the enemy will win. Therefore, we must immediately take all measures to punish it and force it to stop its northward movement.
How should we do this? Our ancient Hindu sages, as with all other things, knew the answer. Sir, we must at once drill deep shafts all along the boundaries of this Pakistani plate, and explode nuclear bombs inside them. This will force the plate to stop its northward movement, and to understand the consequences of stealing sacred Hindu land. And it will also find a use for the nuclear bombs e have and provide a reason to manufacture more bombs.
We can carry out the project as in this diagram, only much deeper.
You will have noted that part of the boundaries of the Pakistani plate are on the territory of other nations, such as the so-called country of Pakistan. These inferior countries will, of course, refuse to let us drill shafts inside their territories. But that is something that must not be allowed to stop us, for this is a fight for our national existence. Sir, we must immediately send our glorious Indian Army and conquer these countries, which in any case were all sacred Hindu land in the past and must be made so again.
And once the territory is under our control and the required number of nuclear bombs are ready, we might as well round up all the Maoists, environmentalists, sickulars, Christians, Muslims, and other enemies of the nation and force them to dig these shafts. After all, what else are these vermin good for?
I realise that your political opponents will make noises about this, but, Sir, all that means is that they, too, are in league with these enemies and you should get rid of them as well. Set them to digging shafts, it will teach them a lesson and also give you a free hand politically to advance your policies free from interference.
It is also true that these nuclear explosions may cause some more earthquakes, and kill some millions in the process. But blood sacrifices are necessary to achieve goals, and are in the tradition of our glorious Hindu civilisation, as you know. And, once the task is over, all Hindu women can be ordered to produce at least ten children to restore the population.
I would suggest that you consider giving the project an appropriate name, like Operation Save Hindustan.
With humble sincerity, and urging you to take quick steps in this matter,
Jai Bajrang Bharat SuperHindustani.
P.S. There is no time to lose! Every year we waste means a loss of five more centimetres of sacred Hindu soil. Never forget that.