How to Launch a Colour Revolution

Thank you for purchasing your How To Launch a Colour Revolution guide! Here you will learn how to launch your own Colour Revolution, and push your nation in new and unexpected directions. No right-thinking young person can do without it!

Now, in order to launch a colour revolution, the first thing you will need is a colour. This may seem obvious, even elementary, but you’ll be surprised at how complex the question is. You can’t, after all, choose just any colour. You’ll have to select it according to the criteria we’ll describe here:

First: the colour must not have been used in a revolution already. This isn’t as easy as it sounds, what with the excellent success rate of this business model, which has already changed regimes all across the eastern world. You’ll find that colours like orange, green, pink and so on have all been used already. But don’t despair, there are plenty more yet to go! If you can’t find one of your own, our helpline will be happy to suggest more for you! Phone 1800-REGIMECHANGE now!

Suppose you have found a colour that you’d like. Now, you must understand that the colour is a marketing tool. People will recognise you by the colour. Therefore it must be a memorable colour – one that will stick in peoples’ minds. It must also be a reassuring one – one that people will feel comfortable with. So if you chose, let us say, red or black, you have to think again, or people in the West will associate your revolution with communism or anarchism, and lose all sympathy for it. Choose a nice pastel shade, like lemon or sky blue.

Let us repeat that our helpline is willing to provide all assistance. In fact, we strongly recommend that once you have chosen your colour, you contact us to make sure that the colour is acceptable and you’re approved to use it. If you do not do this, frankly, we shall not be responsible for the consequences.

Let’s assume you’ve chosen your colour, and that it’s passed our inspection. Now, the next step is to make sure the government you wish to overthrow is one that’s approved for overthrowing. In plain terms, we don’t suggest anyone going hog-wild overthrowing good, friendly governments. Unless your government controls resources or pipeline routes which it isn’t sharing with the West world community as any public-spirited nation must do, or unless it’s sited strategically but does not intend to allow NATO access to bases in its territory help protect freedom and democracy, you should not attempt to launch the revolution. To confirm whether you should or should not, please contact our helpline. The list of regimes approved for colour revolution changes frequently, and we will be able to inform you whether it’s the right time to launch your revolution or whether you ought to wait. Sooner or later, your nation will be on the list, so even if it’s not on right now, you needn’t despair.

Suppose you’ve got both a regime approved for revolution and your colour. Now you’ve got to brand yourselves as liberal students and pro-Western democracy-lovers.  Trust us on this; even though you may all be rabid right-wing fascists...in fact, though you’re almost certainly all rabid right-wing fascists...please do not admit to the world that you are rabid right-wing fascists. Trust us on this. You have to get the Western media on your side, and the Western media has to be able to peddle the story that you are all liberal pro-democracy freedom-loving students. So keep your swastika armbands at home for the time being. You can wear them later, don’t worry. There will be plenty of time for all that after you’ve won.

Now, as you’ll understand, these revolutions don’t come cheap. In fact, you’ll require a huge amount of money, and that money will have to be provided via certain approved organisations. You will readily understand that money doesn’t come without a quid pro quo. They give you quid, and you have a quota to provide for them when the time comes. But don’t worry – though you’ll be selling off your resources and economy to them, there will be plenty of kickbacks to go around!

 So please make sure to contact the approved organisations at the earliest. Your local EU representative or US Embassy will be happy to provide you with a list. Adhere to it strictly. Funds from unapproved sources can cause problems down the line, with rival claims to resources and economic sell-offs. Please do not deal with unapproved agencies if you wish your revolution to succeed.    

Once you start your revolution, now, it must be as eye-catching as possible. In order for it to be eye-catching, it has to be two things. First, it has to be highly visible, so visible that it’s impossible for the world to ignore. Therefore, you have to launch your revolution in the centre of your capital. Does it have a large square of some kind? Then there’s nothing like it. Fill it today with your protestors, Bring them in any way you can. And once you are there, announce to the world that you won’t leave till you win.

Now, it has to be said that just cramming protestors into the square won’t help. You may be awash with money, and have a marketable colour, and the regime might be ripe for removal, but you won’t succeed unless you can incite violence. The problem is that most regimes have a peculiar reluctance to commit violence against peaceful protestors. Therefore, and this is vital, your protest must not remain peaceful. While you will require the common herd of protestors to choke the scene in front of the cameras, shock squads must be prepared to force a showdown with police. To repeat – the police must be attacked until they have no alternative but to react with violence. And then the media must be allowed to see that the violence is all the work of the regime.

Do not worry; freedom-loving forces in the background will be helping you all they can, not just with media coverage and funds, but with more sophisticated backing. For example, secret regime conversations accessed by wiretaps will be selectively leaked to help your cause. If no such secret conversations can be found, they’ll be invented. After all, who will the people in the West believe, the evil oppressive regime – or you?

Once the situation has reached the point where the violence is at a high level, the regime will begin to have second thoughts about its future. At this point it will offer to negotiate. Do not accept this offer. Do not allow any weak-kneed elements among you to accept this offer. The regime’s offer to negotiate merely proves one point – that the regime is weak and tottering. Now is the time for the final push.

Keep your storm troops ready.  At the right time – you will be told when the time comes – storm the parliament building, the presidential palace, and any other government building which the regime controls. Use any amount of violence you want; it can be passed off as an expression of justified anger. Once the regime flees, as it will, its very flight will be proof that it has abrogated its authority and so your revolution was fully justified.

And then you will be in power, and doling out favours in return for kickbacks, and be in clover.

Simple, isn’t it?

There’s just one final point you must remember. When your colour revolution finally collapses, as it will, in total ruin, you must know how to avoid blame. You can depend on us making sure the people believe it.

So repeat after me:

“It’s all Putin’s fault. It’s all Putin’s fault. It’s all Putin’s fault.”

 You'll need the practice.