Thursday 9 August 2012

Bill's Cookery Class: Cooking the Rich Person

Good evening, everyone, and welcome to my cookery show. Tonight, we shall discuss how to cook your average rich person.

Now, you understand that this isn’t your daily dish. Getting hold of this food in the raw state isn’t easy. The food surrounds itself with a shell of high walls and sometimes armed guards as well, and one has to be careful and sneaky to catch it when it pokes its soft parts outside, on the golf course for instance.

Now, once you’ve got your rich person, what do you do with it?

Preparing the rich person isn’t as easy as you might think. First, the food’s covered by a layer of remarkably thick skin, which protects the innards from any and all attacks of social sensitivity, or the tears of the victims of its rapacity. After you cut away that skin, you’ll find a very thick store of fat, far greater than the rich person could ever need for its own use. This fat will take a lot of effort to scrape away, and once you’re done, you’ll find that the useful parts of the rich person, the muscles, for instance, are so withered away as to be scarcely there at all.

Last time we’d discussed how to prepare choice dishes from the heart, if you remember. Now, if you’re planning to sauté the heart as I showed you, you’ll be disappointed. The rich person either has a heart so atrophied as to be scarcely worth eating, or if really rich, has entirely vanished. There’s nothing surprising about this. Like the thick skin, this is merely an evolutionary adaptation necessary to acquire in the course of becoming rich.

So, what do you have left over to eat? Because the rich person spends so much time gloating over its treasures and planning on making more, the acquisitive centres of the brain are gigantic, overshadowing all other functions. They make splendid eating, if you don’t mind a taint of bitterness at the back of your tongue. And rump steaks; the rich person spends so much time sitting on its backside getting rich that they are really quite delectable.

We have already spoken in previous episodes of this show on how to cook brains and steak, and there’s really nothing else worth eating in the rich person, because, since the food is cold-blooded, the arteries are clogged with ice; and the intestines, of course, are full of shit.

Fried brains or grilled steak, and make sure you have a good red wine to wash it down with.

Please feel free to contact me with questions. Next time we shall talk of how to cook your goose.

Thank you and have a pleasant night.

(Repost from my blog on Originally posted 14/4/2011)

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