Good Mourning Afghanistan

Kabul, 16^th April 2012. Rueters. On the second day of  massed attacks on diplomatic enclaves, military strongpoints and other targets across the embattled Afghan capital, NATO spokesmen said confidentially that these attacks prove the weakness and desperation of the Taliban.

"We've done the Taliban so much damage across the countryside", Brigadier General T A L Storie said, "that they have no other option but to assault the cities." As he spoke, plaster from explosions rained down from the ceiling.

"All the counter-Taliban fighting," he said, "is being conducted by our brave Afghan allies. It's absolutely not true that NATO is helping in any shape or form. If you don't believe me, go look out of this window, but don't blame me when your head gets shot off. What, nobody wants to do that? There you are, then.

“Under the glorious leadership of our Commander in Chief, President Obama,” Brigadier General Storie continued, ducking under the table as a rocket-propelled grenade exploded on the window sill, “the Taliban has been practically annihilated. Our troops will not only be able to conclude all their combat operations by 2014, but will then be able to remain forever in peaceful occu...I mean, in peaceful partnership with the Afghans to ensure the Taliban never return.”

To the questions of the assembled reporters, shouted over the sound of the barrage, the Brigadier continued, “Also, the Taliban are cowards. Cowardy-custard cowards. They don’t fight fair. That’s why they’re outside there shooting at us from close quarters. Otherwise they’d come out in the open so our brave boys could blow them away with drones and stealth bombers flying at stratospheric levels. Now that’s what I call a fair fight.”

As reports came in of further Taliban raids across the country, the Brigadier emerged momentarily from under his desk. “It’s absolutely not true that the Afghan security forces are riddled with Taliban,” he said. “All Afghans in the National Army and Police are absolutely loyal. Those cases where so-called Afghan soldiers and police have murdered their NATO overlords...I mean trainers...were, in every case, Iranian agents. We have proof of this, supplied to us by Israel.” 

In response, the White House announced another 1234 sanctions on Iran, this time targeting olive oil vendors and cobblers, and announced that it would “understand” if Israel felt compelled to drop a billion tons of bombs on Gaza.

Meanwhile, the Taliban spokeman, Mullah Barakuddin, claimed that his organisation had launched a Spring Offensive designed to carry the war to the occupation forces. In response, President Obama proclaimed “Bring Them On!” and announced that he would launch another 5678 daily drone flights over Pakistan. These drone flights, he said, by expending large amounts of munitions, would also further speed up economic recovery in the United States.

“Anyone opposing the Commander in Chief’s decision,” a White House spokesperson declared on condition of anonymity, “is a traitor and a peacen...I mean, terrorist, and the Commander in Chief reserves the right to terminate such persons without trial, and their families as well. Remember Abdulrahman al-Awlaki.”

The Most Honourable Order of Obama Worshippers immediately nominated the President for further Nobel Prizes in Peace, Economics, Medicine and Chemistry. “If it were not for the unpatriotic refusal of the Physics Committee,” its spokesperson, Brownne Oser, said, “to consider the Commander in Chief for an award in that subject, we’d have nominated him for that as well.” A spokesperson for the Nobel Committee declined comment.

Just in: Taliban forces have overrun the office in which Brigadier General Storie was giving his briefing. Last heard, the gallant officer was shouting for the stampeding reporters to return, and insisting that the attacking insurgents did not actually exist.

"They're all dead," he shouted. "I tell you, they have all been killed!" 

It is not known what happened afterwards, but presumably the dead Taliban ate his brains.

Pictured: Afghan soldiers shooting at nonexistent Taliban attackers