Saturday, 15 August 2015

This is a post about sex and about Bill

A day or two ago I read an article about the emotional aspect of sex, and how men are much less emotionally involved in it than women, and that kind of thing.

Not exactly.

I must say that from my experience, sex without emotional entanglement is liberating for both partners by far.

No, I'm not going to link to the article in question, because this isn't about it, it's about me.

I'm not now in a relationship and I am, therefore, celibate. I have had sex both in and out of relationships, and I've been much more badly hurt by the women with whom I have been in relationships than by the others.

I lost my virginity to a woman who wanted recreational sex, said so, and took her pleasure with me with neither of us pretending there was anything to the act more than intercourse. Yes, we used each other, but we both knew we were using each other, and there was no pretence involved. We were looking for different things, it’s true. She wanted sexual release, and said so. I wanted to feel that I was desirable enough for a woman to want to have sex with me – this was after an episode of being used by another young woman who left me psychologically sexually crippled for years – and that, too, I didn’t try to hide. We each got what we wanted, went our separate ways, and never met again. And that episode – though it was far from the best sex I ever had – remains one of my best and most treasured memories.

On the other hand, sex I have had with women with whom I was in relationships caused me much, much greater emotional grief and turmoil from the memories when those relationships ended - to the point where I ended up depressed and suicidal. And going by the things the women involved said to me, it wasn’t much better for them either, psychologically speaking.

If I were to be given a choice today between having sex with and without emotional involvement, I would at once choose the latter, because there would be no regrets on either side afterwards.

Yes, by the way, we men do invest a tremendous amount of emotion into sexual relationships – to the extent where the absence of emotional entanglement is a positive relief. It is not true that we necessarily get a big charge out of notching up marks on the bedpost; that’s one of the more ridiculous myths. It is true that some of us have been hurt so badly that we don’t want to be hurt again.

That’s all I would like to say on this subject.

For now.



  1. Of course when you have an emotional connection the pain of loss will be much greater. Been there myself. I just hope you never have to suffer the loss of a beloved wife of 24 years to a form of brain cancer. That sucks really bad, trust me, personal experience.
    And yet, I do have many good memories. More than I can count. Still huge loss leaves a wound that never really heals.

  2. I certainly have far less long-lasting personal damage from people I didn't really care about. Actually, I look back on the "recreational" people more positively than the others or I don't look back on them at all.

    But frankly, it's simply not much of a priority for me at all right now, so I might not be looking at the topic objectively.


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