Saturday 17 January 2015

Ten Things I Have Not Done (But You Quite Possibly Have)

Today, in pursuit of my ongoing programme of masochistic self-flagellation, here’s a list of Ten Things (Among Many Others) I Have Not Done.

Please note that these aren’t things that are really esoteric. You won’t find “Going to space in a Soyuz” or “Racing Formula One” on here. No, these are things I probably could do if I wanted, but I haven’t done; and since bucket lists are kind of stupid as far as I’m concerned, these are things I probably won’t do.

In any case, you probably did some or most of them already.

1. I have never driven a left-hand-drive vehicle.

In this country we drive on the left, and our steering wheels are on the right in consequence, at least in most cars. It would be kind of odd – against the ruddy natural order of things –  to have to change gears with one’s right hand while clutching with one's left foot, huh? Coming to which:

2. I have never driven any vehicle with an automatic gearshift.

In fact, until quite recently there were no automatic gearshift vehicles in this country and even today only the most high-end models have them. As someone who lives in a mountainous area, an automatic gearshift would’ve been extremely useful, but I’ve just had to learn to switch gears manually every few metres like anyone else.

3. I have never baked a cake.

Or even ever wanted to, as a matter of fact. I have my grandmother’s electric oven somewhere but never used it.

4. I have never cross-dressed.

Not even for a play, in case you were wondering. Not that I’ve anything in particular against cross-dressing. I just never have.

5. I’ve never owned a gun...

In this state it’s all but impossible to get a firearms permit, and even if I could, buying a gun legally in India is an incredibly convoluted process. But even if I lived in a state where the gun permit rules are less restrictive, I doubt if I’d ever want to buy a gun. The experience of seeing one kid with a shotgunned face was enough to last me for a lifetime.

...or gone hunting.

The only hunters I approve of are the ones who accidentally shoot themselves or each other.

6. I’ve never been anywhere in the western hemisphere.

And probably never will be, even assuming I ever travel abroad again anyway. In any case, if I’m not on the watch-lists of most Western countries I ought to be ashamed of myself.

7. I’ve never been to a nudist beach or resort, or a strip show, come to that.

‘Nuff said.

8. I’ve never eaten escargots, or oysters.

As I get older, in fact, I find myself steadily reducing the variety of my diet, so I doubt I’d ever want to dine on snails even if I got the chance.

9. I have never taught a class.

This is somewhat odd, since most people who have read me will have gathered that I probably love teaching. I do. But somehow I've never been assigned to teach a class, even as an intern in dental college where a lot of my classmates were deputed to teach the first-year students some of the basics. It's a pity, but there it is.

And, as a final believe-it-or-not:

10. I’ve never owned a bicycle, even as a kid.

Since my parents never saw fit to buy me one, and since I got no pocket money at all. ever, I could never buy one of my own. I only rode borrowed ones, and seldom at that. It’s been something like twenty years since I was last on a bicycle and I don’t even know if I can remember how to ride one. I could buy one now, of course, but what would be the point? Revenge against my parents?

I suppose that’s enough self-degradation for today. I mean I didn’t even talk about how I’ve never had any threesomes, etc, so you got off lucky.

This time.

Nor have I done this, come to think of it. [Image Source]


  1. it is eating my comments again btw

  2. I quite possibly have. Most of them, but certainly not owned a gun nor gone hunting. There are other things I have not done either. The furthest east I have been is Tbilisi, Georgia, I think that is the the western hemisphere but I am not sure. I have only driven a car with auto trans, well, I was given a lesson in a manual transmission car and the instructor gave up on me rather quickly.

    Cross-dressing is an interesting topic because a woman can put on a man's pair of jeans and a t-shirt, which is an outfit many men wear, and it is normal. No one sees it as cross-dressing although if a man puts on a simple skirt it is automatically cross-dressing.

  3. If you are into masochism, you can try Googling minor symptoms and spend an entire day (or several) convincing yourself you surely have (or are at high risk for) cancer or various other diseases. But, I do not recommend it. I might note here that I am forbidden to do this by 3 doctors and my husband. And yet I persist.

  4. lol I have never done no's 1, 5, or 7. I have never been to the northern hemisphere or for that matter, even been out of New Zealand. Because of that I can not imagine a country as crowded as yours - I think you must pack people in like sardines. I would love to do gliding like in the picture. I have been in a biplane :) and oysters are quite yummy.

  5. Stealing this topic. Watch for it.

  6. I don't know Bill. It seems to me that there is a risk-averse tendency running through your list, something which Mother Nature endowed us with to prevent us from killing ourselves with foolish behavior.


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