Thursday, 21 February 2013

Bill Goes To The Movies

Bill went to the movies, and what did he see there?

Some of the things Bill noticed, which gave him new insights into the world which he wasn’t aware of before:

The car chase:

Premise: Every self-respecting action movie must have a car chase. It’s a law.

What Bill discovered:

The car chase will either occur in twisting, narrow city lanes or along narrow, twisting mountain roads. It will not occur on straight, open highways without quickly morphing into a car-borne shootout.

Everyone can suddenly drive a car with all the skill of a Formula One racer in a hurry. Even if you can’t even tie your laces without falling over, when there’s a car chase, you can drive at a hundred and twenty kilometres per hour through lanes so narrow and twisting that normal people would be careful walking.

If the car chase occurs on narrow, twisting mountain roads, the fleeing car will finally go over a cliff and explode in a fireball. Don’t worry, though; you, the driver, will survive both being killed in the crash and being immolated in the fireball. Whether you subsequently escape the encounter with the chasing car’s occupant(s) however, will depend on whether you are a Good Guy or a Villain.

If the chase occurs in narrow, twisting city lanes, you will always knock over a cart full of fruit. The owner of this fruit will not appear again in the movie and his opinion of this knocking over of his stock will not be recorded.

After knocking over this fruit cart, you will drive into an alley and crash into a wall of cardboard boxes. You will then abandon your car and attempt to escape by climbing over a wire fence. You will succeed in this attempt only if you are a Designated Good Guy.

The Psycho Film/ Creature Feature:

Premise: Psychos are everywhere/ monsters can strike anywhere (as long as it’s in the United States).

What Bill discovered:

Any bachelor who lives alone and doesn’t seem to have many friends is likely a psycho.

There is no creature, no matter how ridiculous, that can’t be turned into a monster seventy times as ridiculous.

Chainsaws are awesome. There is, literally, no weapon on earth more awesome than a chainsaw. Even if only a deaf paralytic could ever actually fall victim to one.

Ice hockey goalkeeper masks  are awesome. Period.

Psychos only target attractive young people. If you’re middle aged (meaning over 25) or older, or not particularly good looking, you’re perfectly safe.

Young and attractive people are always heterosexual. Unless they’re lesbians. In which case they’re dead (see sex leads to death, below).

If you’re an attractive young woman who bathes or showers naked after darkness falls outside, you might as well kill yourself. Because the psycho or the monster will kill you, long before your bath is done.

If you’re a young couple having sex in your legally married bedroom, you’re being watched. If you’re having sex outside your legally married bedroom, you’re dead. Because the monster or psycho will kill you.

Bathrooms don’t have locks on the doors or bedrooms opaque curtains on the windows. All the better to see/kill you by.

If you’re a (young and attractive, obviously) woman being chased inside a building by a psycho, the correct procedure is never to run silently down the stairs and out. You should instead scream hysterically and rush upstairs to the top floor, loudly banging the doors, so the psycho will know exactly where you are.

...during this procedure, you will be clad in something which is either skimpy or else form-hugging. As Psycho Prey, you do not own shapeless old sweatshirts, faded jeans or scuffed sneakers.

Psychos who have, for the first eighty-odd minutes of the film, gone to great lengths to conceal their identity, will suddenly develop an urge to Reveal All, giving you, the hero and heroine, a chance to turn the tables.

But beware of this chance. Psychos have two lives. The first time you kill them, they’ll always come back to life just as you – as part of the man-and-woman team which has just eliminated him – are congratulating yourselves, and attempt to exact a bloody revenge. If you’re the woman, you will survive this revenge. If you’re the man, you may or may not, depending on how attractive you are.

After you kill the psycho the second time, the body will always magically disappear at the end of the film, thus leaving the door open for a sequel.

At the end of the film, the police will never, ever, doubt your assertion that all the mangled bodies of your friends lying around were due to a psycho. They will accept it without question or the need for evidence.

Monsters, unlike psychos, don’t vanish after dying. Instead, they explode like bombs...

...but not before reproducing, the baby hatching just as the end credits roll.

The Crime Film:

Premise: Crime. Does. Not. Pay...

What Bill discovered:

...except, if the criminals are young, attractive, and targeting a Soulless Corporation or an Even Bigger Crook, when it totally does. In that case they are Cool Real Heroes.

If you are a Cool Real Hero, your plan, no matter how ludicrous, and how dependent on people not noticing the obvious, will always come off exactly as planned.

Unless you are a World-Weary Detective, you will stay smooth-cheeked throughout the film without any need to shave. If you are a World-Weary Detective, you will have stubble which you don’t shave and which doesn’t grow any longer, either, no matter how long the time-scale of the film goes on.

If you are a black hoodlum, you can’t hold your handgun except sideways, horizontally to the ground.

The Action Film:

Premise: Young adult males love explosions. The more, the better.

What Bill discovered:

Heroes and heroines can all swim. They can also run like Olympic decathlon gold medallists, fight like machines, and shoot like they were trained by the Spetsnaz or Green Berets. They can dive through windows without being slashed to pieces by the glass shards, and be smashed over the head without suffering more than a few moments of unconsciousness and a tiny, band-aid-sized, injury over one eyebrow.

Every bandage will have a small blood splotch.

Cars, if struck by bullets, or even if they smash against a wall, will blow up in  spectacular orange fireballs.

If there is an Evil Terrorist Organisation/Corporate Entity planning to take over the world, only One Man can stop it.

All US Presidents are lethal badasses who can fly planes, shoot to kill, and display incredible levels of Courage Under Fire.

It doesn’t matter how many civilians you kill or how much property you destroy as long as you are a Designated Good Guy.

If you drop someone off a skyscraper, don’t worry: he is not going to squash anyone on the street as he hurtles to his death a hundred stories below.

If there are Muslim Terrorists, there will be a Good Muslim to explain to the heroes that the Muslim Terrorists don’t really Represent Islam. 

If you are Chinese or Japanese, you have an inborn ability to use wushu or karate at black-belt levels.

If you are a villain, you can’t hit a hero to save your life, even at point blank range with a machine gun.

...but if you are a hero, every bullet you fire brings a villain down.

The Science Fiction movie:

Premise: Aliens.

What Bill discovered:

If aliens come down to earth, in friendship or in hate, they will always, invariably, land in the United States of America. The rest of the world might as well not exist.

Aliens can be cute-ugly, in which case they are good – or ugly-ugly, in which case they are evil.

If humans go to another planet, far, far away, it will have earth-normal gravity and almost always a breathable atmosphere.

If it does not have a breathable atmosphere, it will at least not be corrosive, and the temperature will be bearable for humans, so the hero and heroine can wear the minimum of protective clothing, and their gas masks will have nice big faceplates to show their chiselled, handsome features.

If there is a Lady Alien, she will have breasts.

The Bollywood Movie:

Premise: India is the greatest country in the world.

What Bill discovered:

(Bill isn’t an expert in Bollywood movies. Hence, just a couple of random things)

Foreigners who come to India can all speak good Hindi. Accented Hindi, perhaps, but still good Hindi.

Foreigners working with Indians abroad can speak good, if accented, Hindi. Seminars in the workplace will accordingly be conducted in Hindi.

It is extremely easy for Indians to get visas for any country, anywhere, at the shortest of notice.

Indian soldiers are heroic and eager to give up their lives for the country. They also never, ever, kill civilians or rape women.

The hero always has enough money to finance his way, even if he’s never shown actually earning a living.

No matter how poor the hero and heroine, their skin, hair and teeth will be impeccable, and their clothes bright and clean.

Heroes and heroines can always sing and dance. If they choose to sing and dance in the street, they will not block traffic or be thought insane and possibly dangerous.


There are two colours in the world, and two only: a kind of dark blue and sulphurous yellow.

Two people having sex is morally bad. However, people killing each other with guns is fine.

Nobody ever falls ill in the course of a movie. If it is a Tear-Jerker, they may start off with a Lethal Illness, which may or may not prove fatal at the end. However, nobody will ever develop flu or dysentery or an allergic rash. Conclusion: acting in movies boosts your immune system to extreme levels.

All young nuns look like beauty queens. 

If there is an annoying kid character without any discernible positive points, he or she will turn out to be a computer genius who will Save the Day by Hacking the Impenetrable Firewall.

Lethal doses of radiation give you superpowers, not cancer. Along with the superpowers, they also give you an overwhelming desire to dress up in ludicrous costumes no sane adult would be seen dead in.

There is no plot, no matter how ridiculous, that cannot spawn a sequel which is an order of magnitude more ridiculous.

Feel free to add your own.


  1. Well, I think you almost nailed it.
    Almost since you left out one quality/stereotype. Every hooker/prostitute will be amazingly super good looking and usually, almost always, have a "heart of gold". Yeah, and (in)sanity Claus and/or the ester Bunny/tooth fairy/other mythological critter is bringing us all good fortune.
    Great post Bill

  2. pure fantasy Bill - you need to get out into the real world a bit!

  3. Believe it or not, I've never actually ever met a real-life hooker. My education has been sadly neglected :D

  4. Loaded firearms, when dropped, never go off.

    When entering a dark, ominous room, the heroine will not turn on a light.

    If your husband is watching a boring action movie, you do not need to annoy him by asking when it will be over. There has to be a long fist fight before the movie is over.

  5. Oh, I forgot:

    When hunted by a psycho, do not stick together for mutual self-defence. Go off one by one so the psycho can take you out easily.

    Dark, creepy roads or corridors have an overwhelming attraction for disposable young people.

  6. Also, if in a "Star Trek" movie/TV show, do NOT be the person wearing a red uniform top/shirt. One or more of that sort always gets killed before the first commercial(TV).
    Even a "seasoned" cop will not turn on a light or lamp when entering a dark room. Is that really proper police proceedure? Curious minds want to know.

  7. Bill, If it is a Turkish drama, there will be several hospital scenes involving good guys, bad guys and their relatives.

    If you are the hero/heroine, you can be stabbed or shot multiple times or even blown up, sometimes more than once, but don't worry, after a lengthy hospital stay, you will make a miraculous recovery.

    In all Turkish dramas, the attending doctor is always played by the same guy.


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