Word Of The Day No. 9

Iffering.

Noun.

Definition: An offering made on a conditional basis, that is, one which is only valid if the condition attached to it is first fulfilled.

Synonyms: Demand, extortion, daylight robbery, politics.

Etymology: From if, and offering.

Example: "Nice little business you have there - I'm iffering you the chance to keep it nice, for just a little weekly fee."

[Image source]

Red Star Over Syria

Superzero

First off, I did this for a guest cartoon on the excellent Canadian webcomic Lunarbaboon by Chris Grady.

As you'll probably note if you click on that link up there, the family in panels one and three is my version of the family in Grady's comic. 

Now, about the superheroes.

I used to be tired of superheroes.

I used to be tired of (usually) over-wealthy dilettantes who (nearly always) support the ruling class and the status quo. I used to wonder why they all seemed either American or influenced by America. 

Well, you'll be glad to know I'm no longer tired of them. Indeed, I think they need all the help they can get, poor things.

Why?

Well, take a look at your usual superhero. He's always un- or under-employed (where would a full-time worker ever find time for heroing around, huh?) and has to have some way of entertaining himself. Well, Spiderman has the TV remote, but I'm talkin' about the rest of them. I doubt Batman or Superman or what's his name, Iron Man, stoops to the hoi polloi's television addiction. That's so plebeian, right? So they kind of need excitement. What would they do if there was no heroing about?

I'll tell you. Curl up and die of boredom, that's what. They need heroing to stay alive, guys. Can you imagine how it is for them? Huh? 

And you lot think all they're good for is movies and comics. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

That's not the only way they're to be pitied, either. You know how really, really big and strong and damaging those supervillains are, don't you? Of course you do.

I of course do not include this guy among their ranks. He is not a villain, you. He's your lord and master, and if you worship him in time he'll eat you last:

[Image source]

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! Iä! Iä!

Ahem! Where was I?

Oh yes. Well, now, since those bad old supervillains are so damaging - worse than Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden and Vladimir Putin put together, worse even than me - the poor superheroes must expend an enormous amount of effort to defeat them. Truly tremendous, yo. You  don't know how much damage they have to wreak on the city in order to save it.

Don't believe me? Talk to the people whose flats and offices they wreck. Ask them about the last time they were saved by a superhero and how long it took to out their lives back together. Ask them about their insurance premiums. I dare you.

What? They said they'd rather be robbed and oppressed by the supervillains than saved by a superhero?!?? I'm shocked! Shocked, I tell you!

"These supervillains would only take some of our money, and leave our lives and houses alone," one said when interviewed. "I tell ye, these superheroes are much worse. They'll destroy everythin', and then they say we ought to worship them because they stand for freedom an' liberty. Freedom an' liberty, when they've taken the roofs away from above our heads? That's rich, that is."

"I'll bet they're in league with the insurance companies," another complained bitterly. "Each time they bust up something, the companies raise premiums for everyone. Most of us aren't even bothering to stay in houses any longer - after paying the premiums we can't afford to anyway."

"And at least," a third added bitterly, "they can't destroy a cardboard and polythene shack in an alley. Yet."

Well, then, you see the problem. Even the people they save don't appreciate it. Ingrates!

These ingrates, in fact, are such utter and totally ungrateful that they demand compensation from the superheroes for all the damage they are compelled to do in order to defeat the supervillains. So far, of course, these champions of freedom haven't paid anything, but just imagine that the dread day might come when they might be ordered by lily-livered courts to do so? How can they do it if they aren't rich?

Huh?

Why aren't you weeping yet? Are you in league with the supervillains? Are you a supervillain? Huh?

Flea Man is on his way to suck you dry, or give you bubonic plague.

Tell me which you prefer, so he can do the other one.